Friends Disenchanted

2007-02-17T13:06:00.000+08:00

'CASTRO STILL NOT DEAD'

- CHAVEZ

Hugo Chavez, the Venezuelan president, said today there was 'no limit' to the number of times he was willing to be photographed standing next to a track suited Fidel Castro if it helped in his bid to become America's Public Enemy No 1.

Speaking to reporters from outside the Generalisimo Desi Arnaz Jnr Memorial Hospital in Havana, where President Castro is being treated for complications linked to 48 years as a communist dictator, Mr Chavez said: "My brother and comrade the president is not near the end, or even near the beginning of the end. Rather, he is at the end of the beginning. It is a beginning that will end all the cruel rumours, mostly started by me, that he was about to cark it. I know that with the love and support of the Cuban people, he will see the beginning of a new age of 95 minute long live televised speeches on the attainment of agricultural targets set for the latest Five Year Plan.

"President Ahmadinejad of Iran has also passed on his best wishes, and wanted Fidel to know how much he loves the beard."

Nikita Krushchev is 112.

2007-02-13T10:57:00.000+08:00

SENIOR CITIZENS TURN THEMSELVES INTO THE POLICE

Three elderly gentlemen turned themselves into the police after a sting operation at an awards ceremony last night.

It followed complaints by a starlet, named only as Roxanne, that one of the elderly gentlemen had been standing too close to her.

The senior citizen claimed that the object in his trousers was simply ‘a message in a bottle’, though the complainant said this was ‘De Do Do Do’.

“That’s all I want to say to you,” she told waiting reporters, though she admitted later to friends she had been driven to tears by the incident.

A lawyer for the pensioners said they were ‘walking on the moon’ at being granted bail.

Ms Regatta de Blanc, making reference to the complainant, said: “It’s our contention that every little thing she does is murky. There was no contact. She’s low life.”

Challenging the accuser to present her evidence in court, Ms de Blanc said: ”I know you will try to get the jury wrapped around your finger, but truth hits everybody in the end.”

Sir Gordon Sumner is 103.

2007-02-10T14:42:00.000+08:00

ANNA NICOLE SMITH -

'SECRET BURIAL'

2007-02-10T12:39:00.000+08:00

NASA ANNOUNCES

FIRST BUNNY BOILER

IN SPACE

2007-02-04T11:51:00.000+08:00

BUSH WHITE HOUSE

DECLARED

DISASTER ZONE

The Bush White House was declared a disaster zone today, after freak winds fuelled by a phenomenon known as 'El Nancy' blew down large sections of the president's legislative timetable.

A White House spokesman said: "A nightmare scenario like El Nancy only hits a Republican presidency once every 22 years.

"We had feared the storm would last 100 hours, but it fizzled almost as quickly as it arrived. It did leave quite a lot of damage, though we hope to repair it in time for peace breaking out in Iraq."

2007-02-04T11:45:00.000+08:00

PALESTINIAN FACTIONS

AGREE TRUCE

2007-01-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

BIG BROTHER JADE

'ASHAMED'

OF RACIST RANT

2007-01-16T08:50:00.000+08:00

'WE'LL GET IT RIGHT

EVENTUALLY'

PLEDGES

IRAQI GOVERNMENT

2007-01-15T22:55:00.000+08:00

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Sunny Delight

Sunni Delight

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

'LAST TIME

I LEND COUSIN

NEW CAMERA PHONE'

VOWS

BAGHDAD MAN

2007-01-13T12:29:00.000+08:00

ADULT INDUSTRY
CONVENTION
LAUNCHES IN VEGAS

2007-01-12T09:19:00.000+08:00

BECKHAM JOINS

HOLLYWOOD FC

2007-01-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

BUSH LAUNCHES

NEW STRATEGY

ON IRAQ

2007-01-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

IRISH TELECOMS FIRM

LAUNCHES NEW

EYE PHONE

2007-01-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION
- PART 1

2006-07-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

POLISH PRESIDENT

APPOINTS TWIN BROTHER

AS PRIME MINISTER

2006-06-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

HITLER

TO WIN

WORLD CUP,

PREDICTS

NOSTRADAMUS

Adolf Hitler will win the 2006 Fifa World Cup, according to a recently decoded prophesy by the 16th century French physician and author Nostradamus.

"Wann in that sommer with its shoors sute wille Hister, captain of Greater Germanie, rise up and cast downe the bear's cubbe in the citee of metall chariots with vorsprung and tecnick. Or wass it Spayne forsooth? Or Italie, or Albion, or the Sonnes of the Spaynish Mayne, or Portugalle or the Coaste of Gold or France? Verily chief I have notte a clue."

2006-05-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

QUEEN FACES

DEPORTATION

By Our Royal Correspondent Dick d'Astardly

The Queen and her entire family have been detained as suspected illegal immigrants under tough new rules announced by the UK Home Office.

"Preliminary investigations suggest George, Elector of Hanover and his wife Sophia Dorothea of Brunswick-Luneburg, the great, great, great, great, great, great grandparents of the present Queen were never legally registered as British. Her Majesty and her family have been detained and are currently being held at the Harmondsworth Removal Centre near Heathrow Airport pending inquiries."

The spokesman added that the government was considering a new scheme under which illegal immigrants will be allowed to stay if they agree to pay a fine or make a guest appearance on Celebrity Big Brother.

2006-05-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

CHIMPS AND PRE-HUMANS
'MAY HAVE INTERBRED'
- SCIENTIST

2006-05-18T09:24:00.000+08:00

MID-TERM

ELECTION FEVER

GRIPS U.S .

2006-05-18T08:37:00.000+08:00

'I DIDN'T SEE

CHAMPIONS' LEAGUE FINAL'

- ARSENAL MANAGER

2006-05-17T10:31:00.000+08:00

DA VINCI CODE

'SLIGHTLY EASIER

TO UNDERSTAND'

THAN BLACKBERRY

SET UP PROCEDURE

2006-05-16T18:53:00.000+08:00

JOHN LENNON

TO BE

GUEST EDITOR

OF PSYCHIC NEWS

2006-05-16T08:04:00.000+08:00

CULTURAL

REVOLUTION
'NOT SO BAD'
- BEIJING

PENSIONER

2006-05-16T07:57:00.000+08:00

DECLARES PEACE

ON NORTH AFRICAN

DICTATOR

2006-05-16T07:41:00.000+08:00

DECLARES WAR

ON MEXICAN

GARDENERS

Chainsaws, mowers seized, sheds searched

2006-05-10T19:05:00.000+08:00

AUSTRALIAN

IDEALISM

FOUND 'ALIVE'

AFTER 10 YEAR

ORDEAL

The Australian sense of fair play has been found alive and well after being trapped underground for 10 years by the Liberal government.

Prime Minister John Howard described the discovery that Australians dislike being kept in the dark for long periods as "a triumph for Australian Mateship......whatever that is", pledging to make sure it would never happen again.

"While we give thanks for this very great day, let us not forget the large amount of uranium that is still trapped deep underground, in difficult circumstances, desperate to be dispatched to its new home in the People's Republic of China, in exchange for large amounts of money," he added.

Those other happy endings in full:

P2 - Tony Blair rescued after clinging to wreckage of political career for week

P3 - Iran Nuclear Row 'Silly Misunderstanding'

P12 - Pavlov's Dog Stops Drooling

Lifestyle Section - Do It Yourself Divorce Kits - Best Buys

Sport - Notts Forest allowed to re-play 1991 FA Cup Final against Tottenham

2006-05-09T08:18:00.000+08:00

CATHOLIC

CHINESE BISHOPS

NOW OUTNUMBER

WORSHIPPERS

A man cycling past the Ministry of Culture in Beijing has been named as the latest bishop of China's officially-sanctioned Catholic Church.

A spokesman for the Vatican in Rome said the Pope would not allow this "sinful, wrong and wicked act" to sour relations with China, adding that anyone in possession of a wok and a bottle of soy sauce could now consider themselves excommunicated.

Cardinal Joseph Zen called for a Zen-like calm in the face of the crisis.

2006-05-07T14:54:00.000+08:00

MONKEY BUSINESS

Reading about the political troubles of British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his gaffe-prone deputy John Prescott reminded me of two things.

The first was that the post of deputy prime minister is largely a ceremonial role given by the PM of the day to a political rival in his or her own party. Who outside the UK has even heard of John Prescott? The idea of the job, first introduced during Margaret Thatcher's time, is to neutralise the threat from the rival and the rival's faction, by giving the appearance that they might actually have some say in what's going on.

In this context it's amusing to think how strange many Westerners find the Chinese concept of 'face' yet the above scenario is living proof that 'face' is alive and well in the West too.

The second thing the Prescott situation reminded me of was the dreariness and predictability both of British bourgeois values and of human behaviour in general.

Prescott's been caught with his pants down in an extra-marital affair with his secretary. He used to be nicknamed 'Two Jags' because of his fondness for running two Jaguar cars - one his own and the other a ministerial perk. Since news of the affair, he's been relabelled - not very surprisingly - 'Two Shags'.

To borrow two rather appropriate Irish words - these shenanigans are being used as a stick to beat the Prime Minister, which is quite funny, as there are many much heftier and worthier shellaleghs with which to crown him.

Having met both the PM and the deputy PM on a number of occasions, I can attest that Prescott is a much nicer human being than the reptilian Blair. This doesn't however alter the fact that Prescott's reaction to getting caught with his pants down was the usual tiresome mix of self-pity, deflection of blame onto the media and spite for the former lover.

The story told by the ex-squeeze Tracey Temple - who used to be his diary secretary - was also drearily familiar. She complains of being cast adrift by her powerful 'ex' in his bid to save his own skin (a political rival allegedly leaked the story). This so upset her that she felt obliged to accept more than £100,000 from a newspaper in order to 'set the record straight'. Poor girl.

I have seen this pattern repeat itself time and time again. The contrite husband threatening to go to the Press Complaints Commission, the hurt ex-lover crying crocodile tears as she collects her cheque, the pompous political commentators claiming that a man who will lie to his wife will lie to the nation, and last but not least, the sanctimonious newspaper editor claiming 'public interest' in publishing the story.

My point is this. Why do we all still pay lip service to the absurd notion that sexual fidelity and ethical behaviour is somehow the norm in human society or indeed that its absence should disbar anyone from public office? After all, Franklin D Roosevelt consistently lied to the American public that he had no intention of getting into a European war, and he's now considered one of the greatest ever US presidents. Bill Clinton was a first-rate philanderer who told bare-faced untruths about Monica Lewinsky, and yet left the White House with some of the highest approval ratings ever for a second-term president.

We all ardently hope that we are more than just our animal selves, but the odds don't look too good. Public opinion is a notoriously fickle and irrational yardstick for politicians to measure their conduct against. For every member of the public tut tutting over whether John Prescott played doctors and nurses with his secretary, there are as many doing exactly the same thing.

We are much more like the Bonobo, the easy-going, multi-copulating, mutually masturbating African ape, than we are the graceful, mate-for-life white swan. Middle-aged human males are often seen as the worst offenders in the low-fidelity stakes, but this impulse to rut seems to apply just as much to human females. The factor that tends to regulate our behaviour and affect how likely we are to follow our Bonobo instincts is culture. A female who faces being stoned to death for adultery is rather less likely to become a desperate housewife than a western 'lady who lunches'.

When Sigmund Freud first suggested that human behaviour could be influenced by the workings of the unconscious mind, there was outrage in many quarters. How dare he suggest that humans were not masters and mistresses of their own lives, in their own houses?

Comparing human beings to the sexually incontinent Bonobo may provoke similar outrage, but I simply ask every reader to look inside themselves. Is there a gap between who you think you are, who you claim you are and what you actually do - inside the bedroom or out of it? If your answer is 'No' write to the Vatican in Rome straight away and apply to become a saint. The rest of us will just keep on monkeying around.

2006-05-05T09:27:00.000+08:00

UK POLITICS EXPLAINED Two Shags

Prescott

2006-04-17T17:33:00.000+08:00

CONDI

GETS TOUGH

WITH IRAN

2006-04-17T17:32:00.000+08:00

RUMSFELD

MISHANDLES

OWN RESIGNATION

2006-04-15T20:35:00.000+08:00

DEFEATED

BERLUSCONI

REFUSES

TO STEP DOWN

2006-03-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

LOOKALIKE

(Left) Laurel and Hardy straight man (Right) president of Belarus

Has anyone else noticed the striking similarity between Aleksander Lukashenko, the cheery dictator of Belarus recently accused of rigging his country's elections, and the much-loved Scottish actor James Finlayson, who played straight man in scores of Laurel and Hardy films?

I wonder if by any chance they are related?

2006-03-30T15:01:00.000+08:00

WRONG END

OF THE STICK

A pilot flying from Liverpool, the birthplace of The Beatles, to Londonderry, the birthplace of Irish Protestant marching, mistook a British military air base for the city's civilian airport and proceeded to land his jet there - much to the surprise of the watching squaddies.

A statement from the airline Eirjet tried to play down the incident by saying it "involved the aircraft landing at a runway exactly in line" with the City of Derry civil airport.

That's a bit like Dick Cheney claiming there'd been a 'decoy malfunction' when he mistakenly injected buckshot into his hunting chum.

The fact that the two airports are six miles apart and the Ballykelly base normally has only army helicopters and light aircraft on its apron might have been another clue.

One bemused passenger said: "The pilot apologised and said, 'We may have arrived at the wrong airport'. "Everyone started laughing and thought it was a joke, then I saw for myself when I looked out and saw army officers everywhere."

The 39 passengers were taken by coach from the base to their intended destination.

Eirjet said it would begin a full investigation, working in consultation with the UK's Department of Transport, the Civil Aviation Authority and the Irish Aviation Authority over the border in the Irish Republic.

Don't be surprised if you hear the airline in question has now been nicknamed 'Wherejet'.

On a more serious note, if the same thing had happened at a US air base, it might not have had a happy ending. How many US base commanders would sit back and watch while an unscheduled, unannounced civilian airliner made an approach toward their territory?

2006-03-30T13:53:00.000+08:00

FIRST

BRAZILIAN

IN SPACE

2006-03-22T08:46:00.000+08:00

QUEER TIMES

FOR THE

STRAIGHT GUYS

Hot on the heels of 'Brokeback Mountain', the South Korean film industry has come up with a new movie about..... two gay clowns.

Is this going to be a new trend in the mainstream media? There have always been plenty of gay people in the film industry, but they were either in the closet or behind the camera.

Now it looks as though we're about to have the amusing spectacle of straight male actors clamouring to play the part of a homosexual in order to advance their career. (I was going to mention Philip Hoffman in 'Capote', but Truman Capote was so camp that really doesn't count).

No matter if the script is ropey or the direction is pedestrian, as long as there's a bit of 'man love' in it, it's sure to be a hit.

It's all a bit of a reversal from the way Hollywood etc was run in the past.

What next?

'Bareback Mountie' - the story of forbidden love between two Royal Canadian Police?

'Stickleback Hillock' - the tale two middle-aged fishermen brought together by their passion for carp?

2006-03-22T08:20:00.000+08:00

DIM BRITAIN

There can be no more savage indictment of the poor educational standards currently plaguing the UK than the following gem from the website of The Times in London.

"Only days after agreeing to help bail out the ailing Chinese Super League, the new British sponsor has had to apologise to the people of China for referring to Taiwan, Hong Kong and Macau as separate countries on its website.

"The new sponsor, iPhox, also scored an own-goal when it listed the language of Taiwan as Taiwanese and failed to list Chinese as a language anywhere on its site, other points that angered the Chinese Football Association and led to an outpouring of rage in mainland internet chatrooms.

"The internet telephone company temporarily closed down sections of its Chinese-language site to make changes, and carried an apology on its homepage."

Considering that Britain's supposed to be a knowledge-based economy, it's a pity that whoever wrote the website copy seems unable to use a simple research tool such as Google.

Are we now paying the price for years of lip service to social equality in UK education rather than the pursuit of academic excellence?

I bet whoever wrote that website rubbish knows the names of all the house mates in the last series of Big Brother or all the tracks on the Sugar Babes' album, yet appears to know diddly squat about the world he/she inhabits.

'Mr' Blair goes on about "education, education, education" yet sends his own children to state schools so elite they are private in all but name.

It's a typical mealy-mouthed 'New Labour' lawyers' response to a social issue. It's a question of 'do as I say, not as I do'.

Britain's governing class is quite happy to let the ordinary people play Russian roulette with their children's futures by educating them in the hit and miss state sector, while most of the great and the good take no such chances.

2006-03-21T09:02:00.000+08:00

JOB TITLES OF THE WEEK

1) Dr Andy Nazarechuk, dean of the Singapore campus of University of Nevada-Las Vegas William F. Harrah College of Hotel Administration.

2) Dr Chris Roberts, professor of strategy in the Hotel and Tourism Management Department at the University of Massachusetts' Isenberg School of Management

2006-03-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

BELARUS

ELECTIONS

'FREE AND FAIR'

2006-03-20T09:47:00.000+08:00

MAD WORLD

Yesterday, while out jogging in a vain attempt to fight off the advance of a middle aged beer belly, I was listening to the BBC World Service when I heard an interview of such silliness and banality that it actually became grimly fascinating.

A young woman was speaking in the instantly recognisable glottal tones of what's known in the UK as Estuary English - a sort of mock cockney mixed with your mother's telephone voice plus a dash of Jamaican intonation - found mainly within the region of Greater London known as the Thames Estuary. An example of an Estuary English word is 'innit', that can either be used as a rhetorical question at the end of a sentence, to mean 'isn't it?' or is used as a kind of way marker during speech in place of a full stop or pause.

The young woman was telling an equally excited young man about how she had been recruited into the Sugar Babes, Britain's latest throwaway all-girl singing combo in the tradition of the Spice Girls etc.
She explained how a producer had asked her to come up to London but wouldn't tell her why.

On arrival, she was whisked into a recording studio and asked to sing some vocals for the band, and became so excited by the news she couldn't stop shaking.

She went on to recount how she was then kept in London for FOUR days and barred from 'phoning her mother with the good news, as a publicity blackout of the earth-shattering event was considered of the utmost importance. She wasn't allowed to phone her boyfriend either. The young woman seemed to think this was both amusing and perfectly reasonable.

I know that in the bonkers world we live in today I shouldn't be surprised that being in a pop band is considered more important than 'honouring your father and mother' as the Bible puts it. But if you or I held a young girl incommunicado in a big city for four days I think we'd be hearing from the police rather than the BBC.

2006-03-08T09:51:00.000+08:00

QUEEN ELIZABETH
PULLS OUT OF
COMMONWEALTH
GAMES

Queen - suffering repetitive handshake injury

2006-03-08T09:25:00.000+08:00

VISITING
BRAZIL PRESIDENT
KEEPS QUIET ON FATAL
UK POLICE SHOOTING

2006-02-22T19:17:00.000+08:00

THOUGHT

FOR THE

DAY

I wonder how many Buddhists convert to Christianity in order to get in touch with their inner spirituality?

Celebrities, you've gotta love 'em eh?

2006-02-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

HISTORY - IS IT BUNK?

A bad British historian who's been widely discredited for years as a crank has been jailed for three years in Austria for denying the 20th century mass murder of European Jewry now known as the Holocaust.

I realise that attempting to re-write history is a dangerous and corrosive practice that could prevent future generations learning from the mistakes of their ancestors.

But correct me if I've got this wrong - I thought it was the Germans (including Austria, which was swallowed up by the Third Reich before the war) who murdered at least five million Jewish people during the Second World War - not a right wing lunatic from Essex.

I wonder whether the energy of the Austrian and German states would have been better employed in the last 60 years bringing to justice those people who built the fences, put up the huts, drove the transport trains, collected the clothing and tallied the numbers, as well as those who dropped the gas canisters through the roofs of the 'shower' blocks?

Oh, but that would have meant some of the people who sat in the Viennese courtroom yesterday as David Irving was convicted, would never have been born. Their grandparents might very well have been executed for what they did if the standard of proof regarding involvement in genocide had been lower.

So the lesson of history is the lesson that a bad British historian signally failed to learn, but that the dwindling band of surviving SS and Wehrmacht soldiers have known for years.

If you want to escape the judgement of the world, make sure you don't stand out from the pack too much. It's much safer to be a clerk in a death camp office, or a low-key racist spouting your opinions in a bar, than it is to be a camp commandant or a bad historian with plenty of media exposure.

2006-02-17T09:10:00.000+08:00

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

(Left) A Hero (Right) A Toady

An unarmed British policeman who held on to an Al-Qaeda suspect to stop him escaping even when the man stabbed him repeatedly in the side, has been refused a posthumous bravery award.

A UK government committee decided that Special Branch detective Stephen Oake, aged 40, a father-of-three from Manchester, had acted 'spontaneously' and that it was not an act of calculated bravery. They refused to recommend him for a George Cross, Britain's highest civilian award for gallantry.

This was despite the fact that the murder trial judge in the case of the suspect Kamel Bourgass said that what Oake did was exceptional.

The judge said: "That resolute attempt to escape was foiled only because of the professionalism and bravery of a number of police officers - bravery which cost Stephen Oake his life."

And during the trial, Oake's colleagues repeatedly gave evidence that they owed their lives to his action.

Bourgass was convicted of murder and conspiracy to use poisons and explosives.

Now British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who is always giving fine speeches about 'The War on Terror' and is very happy to put other Britons into dangerous situations around the world, has reportedly decided he will not intervene.

And who was the man who headed the committee that turned down the medal request?

Step forward Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O'Donnell.

And how did 'Sir' Gus get his knighthood? Cabinet Secretaries get them automatically, although his climb up the greasy Whitehall pole included a stint as press secretary to former Prime Minister John Major and as an adviser to British finance minister Gordon Brown.

Oh and 'Sir' Gus is also a keen Manchester United fan, even though he was born and brought up in south London.

Enough said.

2006-02-15T19:20:00.000+08:00

'DISGUISE STORES'
KFC WARNS

MIDDLE EAST

STAFF

2006-02-13T20:57:00.000+08:00

'AN HONOUR' TO BE SHOT

BY US VICE PRESIDENT

- VICTIM

2006-02-10T23:42:00.000+08:00

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

(Left) Liberty Tower (Right) Library Tower

Bush......................................................................Bush

2006-02-09T20:09:00.000+08:00

ENGLISH LESSON Bird flies

Bird flew

2006-02-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

HARI KITTY

Now we know why the tourism marketing people in Macau have been worshipping the false idol of Hello Kitty. There are plans to build a theme park in the territory in honour of the character - to be called, not surprisingly, 'Hello Kitty Land'.

Interestingly (to me at least) the Hello Kitty brand owner, the Japanese company Sanrio, has a biography of the character on its web site, in which it claims Hello Kitty "lives in London, England, with her parents and her twin sister, Mimmy".

I'm really, really hoping the world's 'cutest' character lives in north west London (where quite a few Japanese expats are based) so she can be given the nickname 'Harrow Kitty'.

Thanks to sachsreport.com for the Kitty Idol photo.

2006-02-04T16:38:00.000+08:00

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

- 'BUGGER OFF'

An American who sent a message in a bottle across the Atlantic has been "told off" by a Briton for littering.Captain Harvey Bennett, of Napeague in Long Island's Hamptons resort, launched five plastic bottles into the ocean last August.
Last week, one of them returned in the post with a letter telling him off for throwing rubbish into the sea.
His bottle had been picked up by Henry Bigglesworth, from Bournemouth in Dorset, southern England, according to the East Hampton Star newspaper.
He said he had found the bottle on the beach at Poole Harbour and was not impressed.
"You Americans don't seem to be happy unless you are mucking about somewhere," he wrote.
The letter began "Dear 'Captain Bennett'" and continued: "I recently found your bottle while taking a scenic walk on the beach by Poole Harbour.
"While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of oceanic currents, I have another name for it, litter."
Capt Bennett, 55, who owns a tackle shop, said he was somewhat taken aback.
He said: "I kind of felt like no good deed goes unpunished."
Capt Bennett said he thought the recent hurricanes had helped the bottle on its 3,000-mile transatlantic journey.

2006-02-01T23:49:00.000+08:00

BUSINESS AS USUAL

This charming photo was taken by my neighbour Mary yesterday evening, the last day of the Chinese New Year holiday in Hong Kong.

Don't be fooled by the idyllic setting. The waters around Hong Kong are normally some of the busiest shipping lanes in the world.

Business returned to normal today however, when a huge oil tanker rammed and sank a fishing boat at around 4pm local time.

The tanker then veered sharply to port, and seemed to be about to plough into the the Wah Fu housing estate at Waterfall Bay, before the crew apparently stopped it by reversing engines and dropping anchor.

It sounds like the marine equivalent of doing a handbrake turn.

My friend Marco saw it happen from his office window in Aberdeen, which is on the south side of Hong Kong Island. He said the trawler was literally gone in 60 seconds, so I don't know if there were fatalities.

Marco even took some photos of the aftermath, but only happened to mention it to me this evening. I hope he's a better draughtsman than he is a reporter.

2006-01-31T10:07:00.000+08:00

SHEER LUNAR-CY

I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that the Chinese are good at firework displays given that they invented gunpower.

It's much better when they explode in a controlled display like last night, rather than unannounced, as happened in Western harbour recently.

2006-01-29T10:38:00.000+08:00

KUNG HEI FAT CHOI

Or 'Happy Chinese New Year' as we gweilos would say.

As it's the Year of the Dog, expect to see many rottweiler puppies bought by people living in 350 sq ft apartments in Hong Kong and then abandoned on Lamma Island when people realise that cute little furry plaything is turning into a big, hungry, territorial, animal.

2006-01-24T11:31:00.000+08:00

JAPANESE SUPERMARKET

BOSS SOUGHT OVER

UK WHALE DEATH

MYSTERY

2006-01-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

HELLO JESUS

Catholics in the former Portuguese colony of Macau in China are up in arms after some enterprising soul in the local tourism department decided to spice up the promotion of its UNESCO-listed buildings.

Images of the facade of 16th century St Paul's Cathedral (bottom left) have been plastered over one of the enclave's modern buildings, the Macau Tower (above centre).

It soon became clear to the tourism promotion people however that pictures of a church lovingly built by Jesuit priests and showered in its heyday with gifts by the crowned heads of Europe, needed some cosmetic improvements to make them relevant to modern visitors.

So they put their heads together and came up with a brilliant idea. Why not replace the carved stone statue of Jesus seen on the real life building (above right), with an image of Hello Kitty in the niche instead?

Such a brilliant idea surely deserves an earthly, as well as heavenly, reward. Watch this space for photos of the offending posters.

2006-01-24T09:09:00.000+08:00

EVERYONE'S

A THERAPIST

NOW

What on earth are they teaching in kindergarten/primary school these days?

The following gem was supplied by my brother about a conversation he and his wife recently had with their four year old son.

'Yesterday, Max asked us to play with him and after we declined his kind offer, he suggested we should, and I quote: "Think about your behaviour."'

2006-01-23T18:25:00.000+08:00

RUNNING OUT OF JUICE

I think I may have had my first 'senior moment' - that realisation you may not be the thrusting, cutting edge young fellow you thought you were.

It happened in the IFC Mall in Hong Kong, while I was waiting for Sabrina to get bored of shopping (it can be a long wait).

I decided against coffee, instead opting for juice, which on the face of it, seemed like a healthier option.

So I called in at one of those space age fruit and veg stalls that call themselves 'juice bars' and charge you a 500 per cent mark up on their produce for the privilege of mashing up your chosen fruit/yoghurt/wheatgrass (whatever that is) in a machine, and chilling it down to the outer body temperature of a polar bear at the end of a particularly long and difficult hibernation. (Why is it that juice retailers believe a drink has to be cold enough to give you a headache when you drink it through a straw?)

If this preamble hasn't already convinced you that I'm turning into a world-weary fogey, then the next few paragraphs probably will.

On entering this palace of juice varieties, I was dismayed (though not surprised) to find that the 'menu' illustrated on an overhead illuminated display, stretched the full length of the establishment. Frozen yoghurt, frozen berries, frappachino, guava combo, smoothie, wheatgrass - the choices and combinations came at me in a bewildering avalanche of information.

And of course, the drinks are never, ever, 'small' 'medium or 'large' in these establishments. That would be far too simple and dreary for the branding twerps who now rule our planet. No, the drink sizes were 'wee', 'woa' and 'wow'. It's a big enough mental effort working out you want a 'woa' and not a 'wee' (though the iciness of the drink will probably induce the latter quite quickly) without having to deal with the 20ft long menu.

Naturally if you dare to order the drink by using an old-fashioned adjective such as 'medium' (since when were 'woa' and 'wow' adjectives?) the staff will give you one of those bland 'Stepford Wives' looks and repeat your order back to you this time substituting the word 'medium' with the word 'woa', as if you were gaga in a retirement home and had just asked for an egg nog enema.

Oh, and if you don't know what an adjective is, it would be best if you stopped reading now and saved us both some heartache. This whole piece won't make any kind of sense to you.

Anyway, after gawping for several minutes at the menu board desperately looking for something that resembled English (this was not, I hasten to add a Chinese establishment) I had to hoist the white flag and seek some help.

"Look" I said, "I wonder if you can help me." I just want some juice in a glass, or whatever you serve it in, and I want about this much" I added, gesturing with my hands roughly the volume of drink required. "Do you think that's possible? I simply can't understand your menu."

The young fellow gave me the aforementioned 'egg nog enema' look.

"Why don't you have a look at that section where it says 'Juice'?" he replied politely but with just a hint of weariness.

"It's just that I spend my life sifting through information," I smiled, trying to sound as pleasant as possible under the circumstances, "and I don't particularly enjoy doing it in my spare time."

He said nothing, taking a Gandhi-like (and probably very wise) path of passive resistance. I could see that I wasn't going to beat the system, so I might as well get it to work for me.

"Ok then," I grinned, between gritted teeth, "I'll have a 'woa' kiwi and guava please. And by the way, what IS wheatgrass?"

Realising by now I was a hopeless case, and probably not a 'target customer' he flashed me a glance of pity, and explained "It's a drink made from wheatgrass," which is a bit like replying 'It's a place full of Chinese people.' when asked what China is.

Realising that further intercourse would not be productive for either of us, I handed over the money and retired to a corner to await my 'treat'.

On balance I think a simple white coffee might have been better for my blood pressure.

2006-01-17T09:56:00.000+08:00

GALLOWAY

TV ANTICS MAKE

UK PARLIAMENT

'LOOK RIDICULOUS'
- SPEAKER

2006-01-14T01:36:00.000+08:00

CHINESE PIGS
GENETICALLY
MODIFIED TO
CONTAIN MSG

2006-01-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

"KIM JONG-IL MAY BE VISITING CHINA: SOURCES"

This is an actual headline from a South Korean news agency.

Who said North Korea's leadership was paranoid and secretive?

2006-01-11T22:38:00.000+08:00

TALKING TURKEY

A British man has been jailed for three months after pretending he lost a daughter in the Asian tsunami of 2004.

Philip Bosson (above) aged 39, from Devon, even flew out to Sri Lanka and identified a girl's body as his 19 year old only child Kayleigh.

But it turned out that 'Kayleigh' had never even existed. The name had been taken from his favourite hit song by the 1980s rock band Marillion.

Police spent many hours and thousands of pounds checking for a DNA match between Bosson and the bodies of hundreds of western victims.

But they became suspicious when Bosson started to become unhelpful and abusive and changed his story about the spelling of Kayleigh's name.

Whether prison is really the right place for someone with such serious psychiatric issues is highly doubtful.

But then the UK locks up more of its citizens per head of population than any other European country except Turkey (if you accept Turkey is a European country, and many in the European Union don't).

Now we know why Tony Blair is so desperate for Turkey to join the EU - just to make Britain look good by comparison.

2006-01-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

INTERESTING FACTS

There are 700 people in Hong Kong aged 100 or older.

I never knew that greasy fish ball soup and congee (a kind of Chinese porridge) could have such health giving properties.

The number would have been higher, but some of them get trampled to death or expire from heat exhaustion every time temples give out free rice to pensioners during summer festivals.

2006-01-10T10:08:00.000+08:00

MP GALLOWAY ENTERS
BIG BROTHER HOUSE

2006-01-09T10:41:00.000+08:00

'NO SPECIAL FAVOURS'

FOR ARMY CADET WILLS

2006-01-07T19:06:00.000+08:00

PANDA DIPLOMACY
CREATES PERFECT COUPLE

2006-01-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

LIB DEMOCRAT

LEADER ADMITS

UK'S WORST-KEPT

SECRET

2006-01-03T10:57:00.000+08:00

A RIGHT BUNCH OF BANKERS

Banco Delta Asia's battle for world credibility has been dealt another blow after the American government accused one of the Macau bank's former North Korean customers of forging high value US dollar bills.

US officials say they suspect Jogwang Trading, which has now reportedly moved from the former Portuguese colony a few miles across the border to Zhuhai in mainland China, of being involved in counterfeiting US currency.

The stakes to further blacken Delta Asia's name were raised recently when North Korea tried to make the lifting of sanctions against the bank a condition of it joining US-backed talks about its nuclear programme.

North Korea's demand fuelled American suspicions that the bank really was helping to prop up the communist regime in Pyongyang and that the leadership was suffering financial hardship because the Delta Asia 'tap' had been turned off.

Delta Asia has always denied any wrong doing ever since it was accused by the US last September of being a "primary money-laundering concern" for North Korean companies operating from Macau.

The bank said it terminated all North Korean accounts and cut off clients doing business with the country, while insisting the trade accounted for less than three per cent of its operations.

On the counterfeiting claim, it said only one case of a forged dollar bill had been detected at the bank in 10 years. The Americans say whether banks know about financial misdeeds can depend on how hard they look.

Recently the US Treasury's Financial Crimes Division warned banks around the world to take "reasonable steps" to prevent abuse of their financial services by North Korea.And in what is being seen as a victory for the hawks in the US administration, senior officials have issued a stream of statements apparently intended to hound out North Korean interests wherever they are found in the world.

Even the US's close ally South Korea, has been criticised for giving humanitarian aid to its once-deadly enemy. The US argues this well-meaning help is simply propping up a dangerous and unpredictable regime.

In that sense, whatever Banco Delta Asia says or does from now on, it is unlikely to get a sympathetic hearing in Washington, said a senior Hong Kong financier.

He explained: "I think the Americans are trying to create a climate where financial institutions will think very carefully about who they deal with. It will no longer be good enough for banks to say 'we didn't know' or 'nobody told us'. In future they will have to be more pro-active in finding out who their customers are and where their money comes from."

This still begs the question of what hard evidence the US has against Delta Asia. So far it has been unwilling to share such information, giving credibility to sceptics' claims that a 'kangaroo court' is in session on Capitol Hill. The sceptics say the Americans' tough verdict against Banco Delta Asia is now being justified retrospectively through a drip feed of innuendo and speculation that would be considered scandalous and defamatory were it directed against a bigger bank in a more powerful jurisdiction.

The reality is that in the murky world of spying and surveillance, governments rarely like to reveal where they got damning information from, arguing it may compromise their sources.

Unfortunately the recent intelligence debacle about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq has made voters in democratic countries question how scientific such information gathering is, and leads them to wonder whether it might simply be the prejudices of a few powerful people locked away in government offices, that are scribbled down on the backs of envelopes and dressed up as fact and policy.

In the last few weeks alone, officials from the US Treasury, US State Department, the US Ambassador to South Korea, a House Committee and the US Under Secretary for Arms Control have come out with a stream of extremely hostile statements against North Korea, sometimes mentioning Banco Delta Asia by name but more usually referring in general to money laundering and racketeering.

But the real damage was done last September, with the money laundering claim and the warning to American banks not to deal with Delta Asia.

Although the US didn't impose formal sanctions, the banks took the hint, effectively cutting off the Macau-based institution from the world financial system, and causing a run on the bank that saw one billion patacas (US$ 125.2 million) around one third of Delta Asia's capital, withdrawn by customers in the space of 48 hours.

At the time, Delta Asia said it had cut off all ties with Jogwang, but in another of its drip-fed statements recently, the US said the North Korean firm left its offices in Macau and relocated in Zhuhai even before their announcement.

That someone, somewhere, is helping North Korea to circulate millions of fake dollars is, claims Washington, a fact. The month after the US swooped on Delta Asia, it indicted Sean Garland, senior member of an Irish Republican Army splinter group, of conspiring to do just that.

Whatever the truth of Delta Asia's position, it has become a pawn in a much bigger game, namely the US determination to fight the 'War on Terror' and nuclear proliferation via balance sheets and account ledgers.

The US is furious with North Korea's refusal to give up its nuclear programme, accusing it of making missiles, not electricity.

It says Pyongyang funds arms and terrorism through a range of rackets including drug smuggling and the counterfeiting of its currency and its cigarette brands.

Macau was inevitably going to come under Washington's gaze in this strategic game of cat and mouse, given its known trading links with North Korea (including one of the few scheduled air links with Pyongyang).

And yet Washington has been conspicuously silent about China's role in the saga, even though it claims Jogwang Trading is now operating from the Mainland.

China is one of the few countries to maintain formal diplomatic ties with North Korea. President Hu Jintao made an official visit to Pyongyang as recently as October and may relish the opportunity to grab favourable headlines around the world by helping the US to broker a nuclear containment deal that would benefit Beijing and Washington.

If the price for that deal is that America be allowed to bully Macau and Banco Delta Asia publicly, then it's probably considered by the Chinese to be a price worth paying.

2005-12-28T22:04:00.000+08:00

NUNBUN ON THE RUN

.............Mother Teresa..............................Nun Bun........

A deformed pastry world famous because of its supposed resemblance to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, has been stolen from the Tennessee cafe where it was baked.

The cinnamon 'NunBun' was reported missing after a break in at the Bongo Java coffee shop in Nashville on Christmas Day.

It had been on display at the premises since 1996 when staff supposedly noticed the similarity as it emerged from the oven.

Mother Teresa herself had a not completely beatific smile when told about the story. She instructed her lawyer to request shop owner Bob Bernstein to stop calling it 'The Mother Teresa Cinnamon Bun'.

When he came up with an alternative - 'The Immaculate Confection' - she was also less than wholly amused.

She wrote to Mr Bernstein appealing to his better nature: "I do know that you have not done anything out of ill will and so trust and understand that you will respect my wish......God bless you."

Though a week before she died in August 1997, she approved the name NunBun.

Mr Bernstein says the loss of the bun is "like a death in the family" but admitted he had received hate mail about it in the past.

He fears it could have been stolen by someone who regards it as sacrilege.

A humourless religious conservative living in the southern US?

That should narrow the suspect list down a bit.

2005-12-28T15:58:00.000+08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

MOUSEKETEERS!

Left: Lenin
Below: Disney

2005-12-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

STARS COME OUT
AGAINST CHINA'S
CAT FUR TRADE

2005-12-19T20:49:00.000+08:00

SHARON ILL
AFTER STROKE

2005-12-19T15:52:00.000+08:00

HOW NOT TO GET AHEAD
IN ADVERTISINGI'm really really hoping that's a pair of chapped finger tips at the top of this ad poster and not what I think it is.

2005-12-19T09:11:00.000+08:00

WTO DELEGATES
FACE ORDEAL

TRAPPED IN WAN CHAI

2005-12-18T10:18:00.000+08:00

KOREAN FARMERS

IN FAREWELL GIG

2005-12-18T10:12:00.000+08:00

ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR
(HAIRED)

2005-12-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

HUMBLE PIE

Either the long arm of the PRC secret police has reached me or I have a software conflict but it seems I may owe the Blogger people an apology.

My dashboard buttons have gone haywire, making it impossible to post pictures or do anything other than a 1980's style Sinclair Spectrum post.

I have asked the Men in Blog for help, so if anyone is still checking in, please bear with me.

2005-12-10T09:33:00.000+08:00

NUN OF US BELIEVE IT

One of two men accused over the murder of a US-born nun in Brazil has said he shot her in self-defence, contradicting earlier statements he made to police.

Rayfran Sales said he thought Dorothy Stang was pulling a gun from her bag, when she instead reached for a Bible.

Sales and another man went on trial on Friday for allegedly killing the nun on the orders of ranchers with whom she was quarrelling over Amazonian land.

Sister Dorothy had fought for peasant farmers' right to own land in the area.

The 73-year-old activist's body was found on a dirt track in a remote part of Para state earlier this year.

2005-12-09T20:11:00.000+08:00

WHAT THE BLOG'S GOING ON?

Why have our friends at Google suddenly decided to downgrade the publishing tools available to us on Blogger?

I can't justify left or right, centre, align or change typeface size any more, or set the timing of posts so that items can be written then held for a future date like a real life publication.

In short, I'm being treated like a moron who doesn't deserve to be able to make choices.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before the supposedly benign Google turned into the Microsoft monster it purported to be standing up against.

2005-12-07T19:56:00.000+08:00

CAR RAGE

Almost a third of British drivers have admitted to damaging their own vehicle in fits of road rage, reports Sky News.

Some drivers have snapped off the indicator stick, while one driver got so frustrated she smashed a car window with her handbag, according to new research.

Of 3,000 people surveyed, 12% said they have resorted to kicking their vehicle, while 2% have even copied TV character Basil Fawlty by hitting their car after it had broken down.

But some remain unashamed of their actions, a third of those who had given their vehicle a whack said they felt better afterwards.

As many as 80% of motorists said they felt aggressive behind the wheel at some point.

The main reasons cited for car rage were the behaviour of other drivers, followed by traffic jams and busy roads.

Dixon Motors, which carried out the survey, said the problem of owners damaging their vehicles was increasing.

Its Chief Executive John Haines warned: "Getting stressed and aggressive not only has a detrimental effect on your driving, it also has the potential to cause accidents."

2005-12-06T12:23:00.000+08:00

NUMBER CRUNCHING

You'd think with all the technology the modern state uses to monitor its citizens, that someone could come up with a more reliable way of estimating crowd numbers.

The organisers of Sunday's pro-democracy march in Hong Kong claimed 250,000 people took part, while an actuary lecturer from Hong Kong University put the numbers as low as 60,000 to 80,000.

The police seemed to hedge their bets by opting for 120,000.

Even allowing for propaganda from different sources inflating or deflating the numbers, in any other walk of life, such sketchy number crunching would result in bankruptcy or instant dismissal.

Perhaps in future everyone going on a pro-democracy march should be required to have their thumb print scanned by electronic turnstiles at Victoria Park, thus ensuring a fair and accurate tally.

I can't see any problem with that, can you?

2005-12-05T19:01:00.000+08:00

ALPHABET SOUP

An Italian friend spotted the following exciting items on a Hong Kong menu at the weekend.

Chicken Fixings and Veg

Fried Binary Clam Noodles

Diversified Late Noodles

Fried Meet and Noodles with Wok

I think someone's been a bit too eager with the English-Cantonese dictionary, but you can see where they're coming from.

'Chicken Fixings' could be 'feet' or 'legs' (like the fixings on the bottom of a cabinet or table.
'Fried Binary' noodles could be 'twice-fried' noodles in a clam sauce.
'Diversified' noodles are almost certainly mixed noodles, though whether 'Diversified Late Noodles' are mixed noodles that arrive cold, I couldn't say.
'Fried Meet' is pretty straightforward, though they may have to cook the noodles a long time before the wok gets soft enough to eat as well.

2005-12-05T09:08:00.000+08:00

INTERESTING FACTS

The Chinese government charges a leasing fee of US$1 million per year to foreign zoos wishing to display one of its giant pandas.

Apparently any pandas born in captivity in foreign zoos are exempted from the charge, but as giant panda mothers seem to have a distressing habit of abandoning or smothering their newborn, this is sadly quite a rare event.

What happens if the foreign zoo doesn't keep up payments on the animal? Do the Chinese send in repo men to get it back?

I would imagine panda repossession would be a fairly specialised job. You would need quite a large SUV, a bale of straw, fresh bamboo (easy to find in Asia but more of a challenge in Frankfurt or Warsaw), bolt cutters, a digital jamming system for the security cameras and alarm, some planks of wood to bridge the safety pit, panda costumes (to put the animal at its ease) some ketamine and a large sling - oh and a large crate marked "Diplomatic Bag".

2005-12-05T08:54:00.000+08:00

U.S. DENIES CIA HAS
SECRET PRISONS
IN EUROPE

2005-12-04T13:17:00.000+08:00

FACE

TRANSPLANT
- FIRST

PICTURE

2005-12-04T12:37:00.000+08:00

BRAZIL ACTS
TO SAVE
AMAZON TRIBES

2005-12-03T13:56:00.000+08:00

BAY CITY ROLLER
DRINK DRIVE
CHARGE

2005-12-03T12:45:00.000+08:00

BUSH CALLED
FOR JURY
SERVICE

2005-12-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

A LOSE LOSE

SITUATION

I'm not a supporter of capital punishment.

I feel no pleasure or righteous satisfaction that Nguyen Tuong Van has been put to death by the state in Singapore.

But amid all the obvious emotion that this case has raised, I'd like to mention a few points I think may be relevant.

1. Did he know the terrible risk he was running - just from his personal viewpoint - let alone the viewpoint of the people whose lives might have been damaged by the "26,000 doses" of heroin the Singapore authorities said his package contained?

It's perfectly possible the Singapore authorities exaggerated the amount of "hits" that Nguyen's parcel could provide, but the grim fact remains that anyone caught with more than 15 grammes of heroin in Singapore faces a mandatory death sentence. A 30 second search on the internet reveals that chilling statistic.

Did he realise just what he was getting himself into? Perhaps not. At 22 (his age when caught in 2002) we all think we're going to live for ever, and that the world owes us a living.

But if he didn't take the trouble to spend 30 seconds of those 22 years inquiring about the personal risks, it's hard to argue against the idea he was the author of his own misfortune.

2. Should a sovereign state have the right to impose its will and its laws on the citizens of another state, even when the other state doesn't much like them?

If that sovereign state is chaotic and applies its rules haphazardly and capriciously, then probably no.
If that state is hard but consistent - ie shows no favouritism to one suspect over another and conducts a trial process according to international standards re presentation of evidence etc then probably yes.

3. So what's the problem with Singapore?

No one seems to bat an eyelid when China executes drug smugglers, because no outsiders expect very much from China in the way of human rights.

But because Singapore LOOKS like a first world country, with shiny shopping malls and polite, educated, citizens, we tend to assume its value systems will be the same as ours.

The trouble is, because Singapore's not a democracy, we don't really know what the beliefs of its citizens are. We only know what the Prime Minister and his People's Action Party (which has run the country for 40 years since independence) SAY their beliefs and values are.

There are reports that death penalty opponents inside the country were denied all access to the mainstream media in the run-up to Nguyen's execution.

And Amnesty International says the city state rarely gives information even about the number of people it executes, let alone their crimes.

4. What about the fact Singapore abolished juries in 1969 and uses only a single judge to try capital offence cases?

It matters, but people going to or passing through Singapore should know the rules and the risks, just as they should also know that possession of alcohol in Saudi Arabia (another prominent non-democracy) is punishable by flogging. It's never stopped the west buying Saudi oil. Don't put yourself in harm's way then complain afterwards when things go wrong that you've been visiting an uncivilised country, runs this argument.

5. What about the fact Amnesty says a disproportionate number of the estimated 400 people hanged in Singapore since 1991 are migrant workers from poor neighbouring countries?

It's deeply troubling. If Nguyen had held a Vietnamese passport rather than an Australian one, we may never even have heard about his crime, let alone his death. Does this mean the Singapore courts are fatally biased against non-Singapore citizens? Possibly.

6. Does this mean rich, powerful countries have the right to lecture and bully other countries just because one of their citizens gets themselves in deep trouble there?

Only if they're prepared to do the same every time a Filipino or Indonesian faces a walk to the gallows.

7. Is it possible western countries operate double standards when it comes to human rights?

If a resident of Singapore planted a bomb in one of our cities, wouldn't we call for the toughest possible punishment for them? It may be that to a Singaporean's mind, heroin is as dangerous as a bomb going off - perhaps more so in the long term, as addiction seems to create other social problems such as theft to fund the habit.

That's the problem with Singapore not being a democracy - we can't be sure what its people think.

8. Did the Australian Prime Minister John Howard and his government do all in their power to get the death sentence commuted to life imprisonment?

A difficult one. Politicians in democracies naturally tend to respond to public opinion - if only to save their own jobs.

Public opinion in Australia appears to have been divided on this case, and it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that Nguyen's ethnicity (ie that he was of Vietnamese descent) might have had something to do with that.

If it had been pretty Michelle Leslie (the Australian model who recently served three months in an Indonesian jail for ecstasy possession) going to the gallows at dawn today, how much more fuss would there have been in Australia and around the world?

But then Michelle, bless her, was with Anindra Bakrie, son of Indonesia's economics minister, at the time of her arrest. And she knew how to play the game with the media, dressing up in a modest Islamic headscarf during her court appearances, even though she'd spent a good deal of her career modelling lingerie.

Singapore's court system doesn't allow TV cameras access. There's too much risk of emotional scenes being broadcast round the world.

Nguyen was carrying heroin, not a drug usually associated with the children of nice middle class Australians on holiday in Bali.

Howard and his advisers probably sensed the mixed signals in the public mood, and made a fairly cold and brutal calculation along the following lines:

Q. If we really press the Singaporeans will they back down?
A. Probably not.

Q. What do we have to gain by pressing the point anyway?
A. Not much, but it will play well with public opinion in Australia and around the world.

Q. Is public opinion at home strongly enough against Ngyuen being hanged that I risk losing my job over it?
A. No.

Q. What do we, Australia, have to lose by pressing the point and failing?
A. Loss of face internationally (especially with Australia's Asian neighbours), plus damage to business and goodwill with Singapore, an important trading partner.

Politics is brutal, and Nguyen just didn't have enough going for him. He was facing the justice system of a country where there's virtually no public scrutiny of decision-making and where the leaders don't worry too much about public opinion - at home or abroad.

Nguyen wasn't enough of a victim (who's going truly to love a heroin smuggler, apart from his mother?) he wasn't white enough and crucially and perhaps fatally, his plight was never going to cost John Howard his job.

2005-12-02T08:23:00.000+08:00

FAKE PANDA CUB
CONSIGNMENT
SEIZED IN SHENZHEN

2005-12-02T08:10:00.000+08:00

BARE-FACED CHEEK

The festive tradition of what repairmen call “rear-end copying” — office staff jumping on photocopiers to record their nether regions for, ahem, posterity — raises callouts over Christmas by a quarter, says Canon, the copier maker.

To help to cope with the extra load it has increased the thickness of the glass on its machines by a millimetre.

A survey of 600 technicians showed that a third of Christmas work was on broken glass or paper jams of embarrassing images, reports The Times , in London.

2005-12-01T20:39:00.000+08:00

GAY MARRIAGE
TO BE LEGALISED IN
SOUTH AFRICA

2005-12-01T20:38:00.000+08:00

PRIMERY SKOOL

REEDING
SET FOUR SHEIKUP

2005-12-01T09:30:00.000+08:00

PRETTY POLLY

LIKES

LADY PARROTS

SHOCK

2005-12-01T09:29:00.000+08:00

WRONG UK

OLYMPIC GIRLS

STRIP FOR

CHARITY

CALENDAR

2005-11-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

POWERFUL

EVIDENCE

Three out of four Chinese homes have dangerous electrics, according to a survey.

The study of nearly 2,500 households in 20 cities found only 576 premises completely free of hazards, reports China Youth Daily.

Serious problems included faulty appliances, poor wiring and inadequate earthing, says the China Consumers' Association.

2005-11-30T19:27:00.000+08:00

DALEKS
STAR IN
PORN FILM
SHOCK

2005-11-30T09:47:00.000+08:00

THATCH
OF THE DAY

No 4 Tommy Smith, Liverpool FC 1962-78

Tommy Smith.

What can we say about Tommy that hasn't already been said?

With his pock marked face, fleshy hooter and Super Mario moustache, he could easily have played a villain on Thames TV's hugely successful (and contemporary) cops 'n' robbers series The Sweeney.

Tommy was so tough he's now virtually crippled after playing on with injuries that might have finished other men's careers.

As he once cheerfully admitted in a TV interview: "Oh aye, the doc would give us pain killing injections just before we went out on the pitch. They killed the pain like, but they also stopped us feeling how much damage we were doing to ourselves."

Tommy belonged to that not-so-small band of 1970s hard men for whom the phrase 'defending the goal area' was synonymous with 'common assault'.

Seeing your favourite player being tackled by Tommy Smith was like seeing your favourite pet run over by a steam roller - deeply upsetting but grimly fascinating.

In short, when Tommy tackled them, they stayed tackled.

It's often said that the modern game is much faster than 30 years ago. Time plays tricks, and perhaps Tommy and his contemporaries Norman Hunter and Ron 'Chopper' Harris were a lot slower than they seemed. But they were hard men at the time and when you watch the footage again they're STILL hard men.

Nowadays red cards (where a player is dismissed from the field for the remainder of the match) are handed out like sweets at a kids' party. In those days you virtually had to murder someone before you even got a cautioning yellow (actually the offender's name was just scribbled down in the ref's notebook, hence the term 'a booking').

I remember a few years later at the 1982 World Cup Finals in Spain, watching a baby faced, skinny young Maradona almost kicked to pieces by an Italian defender who rejoiced under the name of - wait for it - Gentile (pronounced Gen-tee-lay). Maradona had virtually no protection from the referee at all, and at that time two-footed tackles from behind were perfectly legal.

It was left more or less to the referee's discretion to decide if a challenge was dangerous. In the 1970s most British referees would have been aged around 40 to 50 and therefore had either been in the army in World War Two or been a child during The Blitz. In either case, their definition of what constituted danger would be very different to that of an average citizen today.

Two decades earlier in 1958 there was a famous incident in an FA Cup Final where Manchester United's goalkeeper caught the ball on his line, and was then shoulder charged into the net, still grasping the ball, by Bolton's Nat Lofthouse. The referee gave the goal without even batting an eyelid. To an American Football or Aussie Rules player this would have been all in a day's work. To an English goalkeeper it came as a bit of a surprise.

Now we've gone to the other extreme of over-protection of players and unseemly displays of handbags at dawn, bitch slapping and feigned injury to get opponents sent off. A common technique is to respond to an adversary's petulant push as if you had been hit by a right hook from Lennox Lewis.

In Britain we used to claim that this was a 'continental' (ie foreign) habit. Today the English Premier League is full of foreign players, but the British players cheat just as cheerfully and skilfully.

There was no point trying to con a referee in the 1970s because they wouldn't call the trainer on unless they could see blood or a bone sticking through your sock. Now whole seasons turn on how skillful a player is at making his penalty area dive look like he'd been fouled.

Progress? I don't think so Tommy.

2005-11-29T20:30:00.000+08:00

A GECKO'S TALE

A gecko very similar to the one in the story - but with a tail

More evidence of the suicidal tendencies of geckos..............................

Tonight one decided it would be a good idea to get into the house via the bathroom window fan vent.

This would have been fine, but the fan was turned on at the time.

Somehow the gecko managed to get through, looking rather startled. (Funnily enough they always seem to have that expression, as if they can't quite believe that with the natural-born talents of Spiderman for walking upside down etc they are forced to eat flies for a living.)

Well this gecko was startled - and minus one tail. Whether it lost the tail in the fan, or whether it had already been nibbled off by a rat, cat, snake etc, I can't be sure. All I do know is if someone suggested the best way of getting into a Boeing 747 was by crawling inside one of the engines while the rotors were still turning, I'd tell them to take a hike.

I've no idea how important a tail is to the average gecko, but I would think quite, or The Almighty (already quite busy dealing with the Universe etc) would have made 'em without one.

Confirming my suspicions that geckos in general and this one in particular are quite keen to meet their maker asap, the creature then proceeded to hide behind the shower heater, which is gas-powered and makes a 'crump' sound like distant artillery fire every time the water is turned on.

Not I think the best place for a small lizard to be.