RUNNING OUT OF JUICE

I think I may have had my first 'senior moment' - that realisation you may not be the thrusting, cutting edge young fellow you thought you were.

It happened in the IFC Mall in Hong Kong, while I was waiting for Sabrina to get bored of shopping (it can be a long wait).

I decided against coffee, instead opting for juice, which on the face of it, seemed like a healthier option.

So I called in at one of those space age fruit and veg stalls that call themselves 'juice bars' and charge you a 500 per cent mark up on their produce for the privilege of mashing up your chosen fruit/yoghurt/wheatgrass (whatever that is) in a machine, and chilling it down to the outer body temperature of a polar bear at the end of a particularly long and difficult hibernation. (Why is it that juice retailers believe a drink has to be cold enough to give you a headache when you drink it through a straw?)

If this preamble hasn't already convinced you that I'm turning into a world-weary fogey, then the next few paragraphs probably will.

On entering this palace of juice varieties, I was dismayed (though not surprised) to find that the 'menu' illustrated on an overhead illuminated display, stretched the full length of the establishment. Frozen yoghurt, frozen berries, frappachino, guava combo, smoothie, wheatgrass - the choices and combinations came at me in a bewildering avalanche of information.

And of course, the drinks are never, ever, 'small' 'medium or 'large' in these establishments. That would be far too simple and dreary for the branding twerps who now rule our planet. No, the drink sizes were 'wee', 'woa' and 'wow'. It's a big enough mental effort working out you want a 'woa' and not a 'wee' (though the iciness of the drink will probably induce the latter quite quickly) without having to deal with the 20ft long menu.

Naturally if you dare to order the drink by using an old-fashioned adjective such as 'medium' (since when were 'woa' and 'wow' adjectives?) the staff will give you one of those bland 'Stepford Wives' looks and repeat your order back to you this time substituting the word 'medium' with the word 'woa', as if you were gaga in a retirement home and had just asked for an egg nog enema.

Oh, and if you don't know what an adjective is, it would be best if you stopped reading now and saved us both some heartache. This whole piece won't make any kind of sense to you.

Anyway, after gawping for several minutes at the menu board desperately looking for something that resembled English (this was not, I hasten to add a Chinese establishment) I had to hoist the white flag and seek some help.

"Look" I said, "I wonder if you can help me." I just want some juice in a glass, or whatever you serve it in, and I want about this much" I added, gesturing with my hands roughly the volume of drink required. "Do you think that's possible? I simply can't understand your menu."

The young fellow gave me the aforementioned 'egg nog enema' look.

"Why don't you have a look at that section where it says 'Juice'?" he replied politely but with just a hint of weariness.

"It's just that I spend my life sifting through information," I smiled, trying to sound as pleasant as possible under the circumstances, "and I don't particularly enjoy doing it in my spare time."

He said nothing, taking a Gandhi-like (and probably very wise) path of passive resistance. I could see that I wasn't going to beat the system, so I might as well get it to work for me.

"Ok then," I grinned, between gritted teeth, "I'll have a 'woa' kiwi and guava please. And by the way, what IS wheatgrass?"

Realising by now I was a hopeless case, and probably not a 'target customer' he flashed me a glance of pity, and explained "It's a drink made from wheatgrass," which is a bit like replying 'It's a place full of Chinese people.' when asked what China is.

Realising that further intercourse would not be productive for either of us, I handed over the money and retired to a corner to await my 'treat'.

On balance I think a simple white coffee might have been better for my blood pressure.