WORLD HEALTH
PERCHED ON
KNIFE-EDGE

The world's entire bird population has been grounded after cracks were found in a number of reassuring statements on avian 'flu issued by governments and health experts.

Any birds found in the air after midnight (GMT) on Saturday were to be shot and baked in a pie, said a World Health Organisation spokesman. So far four and twenty birds have fallen foul of the new regulations.

When the birds were detained, they all began to sing, implicating a sinister network of Asian water fowl in the conspiracy.

Any humans caught allowing a bird to fly on or over their property will be fined six pence and ordered to forfeit a pocketful of rye.