'CASTRO STILL NOT DEAD'

- CHAVEZ

Hugo Chavez, the Venezuelan president, said today there was 'no limit' to the number of times he was willing to be photographed standing next to a track suited Fidel Castro if it helped in his bid to become America's Public Enemy No 1.

Speaking to reporters from outside the Generalisimo Desi Arnaz Jnr Memorial Hospital in Havana, where President Castro is being treated for complications linked to 48 years as a communist dictator, Mr Chavez said: "My brother and comrade the president is not near the end, or even near the beginning of the end. Rather, he is at the end of the beginning. It is a beginning that will end all the cruel rumours, mostly started by me, that he was about to cark it. I know that with the love and support of the Cuban people, he will see the beginning of a new age of 95 minute long live televised speeches on the attainment of agricultural targets set for the latest Five Year Plan.

"President Ahmadinejad of Iran has also passed on his best wishes, and wanted Fidel to know how much he loves the beard."

Nikita Krushchev is 112.

SENIOR CITIZENS TURN THEMSELVES INTO THE POLICE

Three elderly gentlemen turned themselves into the police after a sting operation at an awards ceremony last night.

It followed complaints by a starlet, named only as Roxanne, that one of the elderly gentlemen had been standing too close to her.

The senior citizen claimed that the object in his trousers was simply ‘a message in a bottle’, though the complainant said this was ‘De Do Do Do’.

“That’s all I want to say to you,” she told waiting reporters, though she admitted later to friends she had been driven to tears by the incident.

A lawyer for the pensioners said they were ‘walking on the moon’ at being granted bail.

Ms Regatta de Blanc, making reference to the complainant, said: “It’s our contention that every little thing she does is murky. There was no contact. She’s low life.”

Challenging the accuser to present her evidence in court, Ms de Blanc said: ”I know you will try to get the jury wrapped around your finger, but truth hits everybody in the end.”

Sir Gordon Sumner is 103.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH -

'SECRET BURIAL'

NASA ANNOUNCES

FIRST BUNNY BOILER

IN SPACE

BUSH WHITE HOUSE

DECLARED

DISASTER ZONE

The Bush White House was declared a disaster zone today, after freak winds fuelled by a phenomenon known as 'El Nancy' blew down large sections of the president's legislative timetable.

A White House spokesman said: "A nightmare scenario like El Nancy only hits a Republican presidency once every 22 years.

"We had feared the storm would last 100 hours, but it fizzled almost as quickly as it arrived. It did leave quite a lot of damage, though we hope to repair it in time for peace breaking out in Iraq."

PALESTINIAN FACTIONS

AGREE TRUCE

BIG BROTHER JADE

'ASHAMED'

OF RACIST RANT

'WE'LL GET IT RIGHT

EVENTUALLY'

PLEDGES

IRAQI GOVERNMENT

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Sunny Delight

Sunni Delight

'LAST TIME

I LEND COUSIN

NEW CAMERA PHONE'

VOWS

BAGHDAD MAN