Friends Disenchanted: October 2005

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

FROM THE

KENTUCKY KENNEL KLUB

RICE CHEWS MAN

TRAIN SURFING CRAZE
SWEEPS INDIA

SECRET RELIEF
AS 'SCROOGE' BOSSES
CANCEL XMAS PARTIES

TAKE THE STAIRS

TO FIGHT THE FLAB

- MEDICAL EXPERTS

BUS AND TRAIN BOOZING BAN
WELCOMED BY DEPUTY PM

WILLS TO HEAD 'PEOPLE'S GAME'
AS SIGN OF CLASSLESS SOCIETY

BIRD 'FLU MAY COOK GOOSE
OF TRADITIONAL XMAS LUNCH

SQUID MORE INTELLIGENT
THAN SOME REALITY TV
CONTESTANTS - STUDY

MAN LIES TO

U.S. GRAND JURY

CARRY ON SADDAM

The BBC is to make a comedy drama about the life of Saddam Hussein using digitally sampled images of legendary British comic actors.

The film, to be called 'Carry On Up the Euphrates' will be shot entirely on location in Uttoxeter and be screened in the New Year.

Cast List
Saddam Hussein........................Sid James
Qusay, his son...........................Jim Dale
Chemical Ali..............................Kenneth Williams
Comical Ali................................Frankie Howerd
Tariq Azizoats...........................Kenneth Connor
Chemical Sally..........................Joan Sims
Mustang Sally...........................Barbara Windsor
Spider Hole..............................Charles Hawtrey
Mother of All Battle Axes..........Hattie Jacques
Camel........................................Bernard Bresslaw

GOURDS CLAIM DISCRIMINATION
BY TRICK OR TREATERS

"Just as much fun as pumpkins, and cheaper," says spokesman.

SCOTT PARKER BOWLES
SIGNS FOR CHARLTON

N KOREA LAUNCHES

NEW FAMILY CAR

TIGERS HAVE ROARING TIME
AT THAI TEMPLE

BRITS SHUN

SPANISH HOMES
FOR LANCASHIRE
HOT SPOTS

(Left: Spain Right: Lancashire)

CRACKING THE

DA VINCI CODE

PRINCE CHARLES
URGES ACTION ON
CLIMATE CHANGE

SAUCY POSTCARDS
GIVE RIO
'WRONG IMAGE'

TIGERS FELINE

GRREAT AFTER

BUDDHISM SESSIONS

UK POLICE REVIEW
'SHOOT TO KILL' POLICY

'BLIND MAN'S BUFF'
GAME TURNS UGLY
IN TAIWAN SCHOOL

ALL THE BEST GEORGE

George Best, one of the greatest footballers never to play in a FIFA World Cup finals, was at time of writing desperately ill in a London hospital, after decades of alcoholism and recent liver transplant surgery.

He spent the best part of his 20-year career at Manchester United, not my favourite team, but even a City fan has to acknowledge his genius. He could embarrass (truly embarrass) international defenders with his fantastic ball control, leaving them flailing at thin air as he sped off down the pitch.

As far as I can tell, he hardly did any training - at least not once he hit the nightclub circuit - it was a truly natural talent.

He was probably the first footballer to achieve pop star levels of fame, earning the nickname 'The Fifth Beatle' during the height of his career in the late 1960s

I am old enough (and lucky enough) to have seen him play once for Fulham against Southampton at The Dell, in the old Second Divison in the late 1970s. He managed to get himself sent off after about 10 minutes, thus robbing me of the chance of a better Best anecdote.

He's now in the Cromwell Hospital in west London, a few miles from the NHS hospital where a college friend of mine died of alcohol-related liver failure five years ago.

George is from Belfast in Northern Ireland, where a wry sense of humour is not only appreciated, but part of the culture.

He wrote his own epitaph years ago, when he was reported as saying: "I spent most of my money on birds, booze, and fast cars; the rest I squandered."

SNAKES ALIVE

Street vendors were caught selling 60 live poisonous snakes including cobras, coral snakes and pit vipers in Beijing's Chaoyang district.

The men, from southern China, said they bred the snakes at home and had already sold some on the street in Shanghai and Ningbo.

The seized snakes have now been sent to Beijing Zoo, the Legal Evening News reports.

Snake poison is used in some traditional Chinese medicine to treat convulsions and paralysis.

Snake pickled in wine is used to treat severe wind while snake bile from the gall bladder is used for everything from whooping cough to hemorrhoids.

EAST AND WEST

WEST - Members of pressure group Fathers for Justice climb UP Tower Bridge in London to prove their innocence/mistreatment by authorities.

EAST - Woman jumps OFF bridge in Jilin, eastern China, to 'prove' she didn't plant bombs in two local dance clubs.

CHERIE DENIES NEW ATTACKS

OVER TALK TOUR DOWN UNDER

ANIMAL VIRUS

CORNER

Who was H K Cook?

What did he or she do for a living?

Who is the mystery pig?

Why did it have a virus?

I think we should be told.

'HANDS OFF' APPROACH

FOR UK SCHOOLS

UK schools are to be allowed to teach children how to read, write and add up under a revolutionary new scheme, the Government has announced.

Education Secretary Ruth Kelly said: "The idea is wonderfully simple. From the age of four until at least 16, students will be taught in classes of less than 400 by teachers who can speak English, and are not taking time out from a European back-packing holiday, in rooms that don't leak when it rains, with enough text books to go round and where the interests of well-behaved, motivated pupils are put before those of disruptive ones."

UK employers have given a cautious welcome to the proposal.

Sir Monty Don of the Confederation of British Industry said: "While we welcome any plan that increases the skills of tomorrow's workforce, has the Government considered the effects on the UK's fast food industry and out of town supermarket sector?

"If this plan goes ahead, we're concerned there may not be enough bored, acne-ridden, semi-literate, semi-numerate young people to staff the nation's check-outs."

DULL UK JOKE

TV's Ulrika Jonssen runs from heartache after marriage split No 3

LADY HAS BABY SHOCK

A lady has had a baby, it was revealed today.

The lady, who is normally very slim and advertises clothes by walking up and down in high heels to music, had to get quite fat in order to have the baby.

Her spokesman said: "The lady and her baby, who will be called Chevrolet Cheesums, are fine, though a little tired. The lady was quite fat, but plans to get thin again very soon."

A medical expert has revealed that more than three hundred thousand ladies per day across the world have babies, but most of them go unnoticed - often for their whole lives.

He said: "Ladies are naturally suited to having babies. A special implant in their chests can even be used to feed the babies if they or their personal assistant cannot get to a shop selling branded powdered milk."

The total number of ladies, babies and gentlemen in the world is estimated to be 6.47 billion.

WORLD HEALTH
PERCHED ON
KNIFE-EDGE

The world's entire bird population has been grounded after cracks were found in a number of reassuring statements on avian 'flu issued by governments and health experts.

Any birds found in the air after midnight (GMT) on Saturday were to be shot and baked in a pie, said a World Health Organisation spokesman. So far four and twenty birds have fallen foul of the new regulations.

When the birds were detained, they all began to sing, implicating a sinister network of Asian water fowl in the conspiracy.

Any humans caught allowing a bird to fly on or over their property will be fined six pence and ordered to forfeit a pocketful of rye.

FAKING HELL

Tour operators in Shanghai, China, have been asked by the city government NOT to take tourists to the infamous and popular Xiangyang fake goods market, the South China Morning Post reports.

Just to make sure no one is tempted to break the agreement, the authorities have set up nine closed-circuit TV cameras to monitor the market entrances.

In future, tourists will have to slip in to the market in ones and twos, like a British stag party trying to get into a nightclub after pub closing time.

If city bosses are so bothered about the fake goods trade, why don't they just close the market down?

I think we all know the answer to THAT one.

CAMILLA'S DUTIES START
WITH BANQUET

FOR EURO ROYALS

NEWCASTLE FOLK
'FRIENDLIEST IN ENGLAND'
- REPORT

CLICHES SPOILING
SPORT REPORTS

ENTENTE CORDIALE
'STRONGER THAN EVER'

TEACHER GUILTY
OF KISSING PUPIL

TERM 'BLACK HOLES'

PROVES RACISM UNIVERSAL

- RADIO PUNDIT

A UK social commentator claims he is the only non-racist thing in the whole universe.

St Darcus of Howe, speaking on BBC radio said: "Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and Bob Marley were clearly all racist for even acknowledging the white man (and woman) existed.

"Joan Rivers is very very racist for even daring to hint I might be wrong. The studio assistant on this programme clearly showed their bias by asking if I would like a white coffee. I do not even drink coffee of colour, as most of the agricultural workers producing it are poor black people, and most of the land owners and profit makers are white. (He has a point here - Editor.)

"The script on the presenter's desk is made of white paper - that tells us all we need to know. I, on the other hand, am not a racist, and never have been. I know this is true because voices from Africa have told me so.

"The people who came to take me away were wearing white coats, not black coats. That is clearly also telling us something important etc etc."