Tuesday, January 31, 2006

SHEER LUNAR-CY

I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that the Chinese are good at firework displays given that they invented gunpower.

It's much better when they explode in a controlled display like last night, rather than unannounced, as happened in Western harbour recently.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

KUNG HEI FAT CHOI

Or 'Happy Chinese New Year' as we gweilos would say.

As it's the Year of the Dog, expect to see many rottweiler puppies bought by people living in 350 sq ft apartments in Hong Kong and then abandoned on Lamma Island when people realise that cute little furry plaything is turning into a big, hungry, territorial, animal.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

JAPANESE SUPERMARKET
BOSS SOUGHT OVER
UK WHALE DEATH
MYSTERY

HELLO JESUS



Catholics in the former Portuguese colony of Macau in China are up in arms after some enterprising soul in the local tourism department decided to spice up the promotion of its UNESCO-listed buildings.

Images of the facade of 16th century St Paul's Cathedral (bottom left) have been plastered over one of the enclave's modern buildings, the Macau Tower (above centre).

It soon became clear to the tourism promotion people however that pictures of a church lovingly built by Jesuit priests and showered in its heyday with gifts by the crowned heads of Europe, needed some cosmetic improvements to make them relevant to modern visitors.

So they put their heads together and came up with a brilliant idea. Why not replace the carved stone statue of Jesus seen on the real life building (above right), with an image of Hello Kitty in the niche instead?

Such a brilliant idea surely deserves an earthly, as well as heavenly, reward. Watch this space for photos of the offending posters.

EVERYONE'S
A THERAPIST
NOW
What on earth are they teaching in kindergarten/primary school these days?
The following gem was supplied by my brother about a conversation he and his wife recently had with their four year old son.
'Yesterday, Max asked us to play with him and after we declined his kind offer, he suggested we should, and I quote: "Think about your behaviour."'

Monday, January 23, 2006

RUNNING OUT OF JUICE
I think I may have had my first 'senior moment' - that realisation you may not be the thrusting, cutting edge young fellow you thought you were.
It happened in the IFC Mall in Hong Kong, while I was waiting for Sabrina to get bored of shopping (it can be a long wait).
I decided against coffee, instead opting for juice, which on the face of it, seemed like a healthier option.
So I called in at one of those space age fruit and veg stalls that call themselves 'juice bars' and charge you a 500 per cent mark up on their produce for the privilege of mashing up your chosen fruit/yoghurt/wheatgrass (whatever that is) in a machine, and chilling it down to the outer body temperature of a polar bear at the end of a particularly long and difficult hibernation. (Why is it that juice retailers believe a drink has to be cold enough to give you a headache when you drink it through a straw?)
If this preamble hasn't already convinced you that I'm turning into a world-weary fogey, then the next few paragraphs probably will.
On entering this palace of juice varieties, I was dismayed (though not surprised) to find that the 'menu' illustrated on an overhead illuminated display, stretched the full length of the establishment. Frozen yoghurt, frozen berries, frappachino, guava combo, smoothie, wheatgrass - the choices and combinations came at me in a bewildering avalanche of information.
And of course, the drinks are never, ever, 'small' 'medium or 'large' in these establishments. That would be far too simple and dreary for the branding twerps who now rule our planet. No, the drink sizes were 'wee', 'woa' and 'wow'. It's a big enough mental effort working out you want a 'woa' and not a 'wee' (though the iciness of the drink will probably induce the latter quite quickly) without having to deal with the 20ft long menu.
Naturally if you dare to order the drink by using an old-fashioned adjective such as 'medium' (since when were 'woa' and 'wow' adjectives?) the staff will give you one of those bland 'Stepford Wives' looks and repeat your order back to you this time substituting the word 'medium' with the word 'woa', as if you were gaga in a retirement home and had just asked for an egg nog enema.
Oh, and if you don't know what an adjective is, it would be best if you stopped reading now and saved us both some heartache. This whole piece won't make any kind of sense to you.
Anyway, after gawping for several minutes at the menu board desperately looking for something that resembled English (this was not, I hasten to add a Chinese establishment) I had to hoist the white flag and seek some help.
"Look" I said, "I wonder if you can help me." I just want some juice in a glass, or whatever you serve it in, and I want about this much" I added, gesturing with my hands roughly the volume of drink required. "Do you think that's possible? I simply can't understand your menu."
The young fellow gave me the aforementioned 'egg nog enema' look.
"Why don't you have a look at that section where it says 'Juice'?" he replied politely but with just a hint of weariness.
"It's just that I spend my life sifting through information," I smiled, trying to sound as pleasant as possible under the circumstances, "and I don't particularly enjoy doing it in my spare time."
He said nothing, taking a Gandhi-like (and probably very wise) path of passive resistance. I could see that I wasn't going to beat the system, so I might as well get it to work for me.
"Ok then," I grinned, between gritted teeth, "I'll have a 'woa' kiwi and guava please. And by the way, what IS wheatgrass?"
Realising by now I was a hopeless case, and probably not a 'target customer' he flashed me a glance of pity, and explained "It's a drink made from wheatgrass," which is a bit like replying 'It's a place full of Chinese people.' when asked what China is.
Realising that further intercourse would not be productive for either of us, I handed over the money and retired to a corner to await my 'treat'.
On balance I think a simple white coffee might have been better for my blood pressure.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

GALLOWAY
TV ANTICS MAKE
UK PARLIAMENT
'LOOK RIDICULOUS'
- SPEAKER

Saturday, January 14, 2006

CHINESE PIGS
GENETICALLY
MODIFIED TO
CONTAIN MSG

Thursday, January 12, 2006

"KIM JONG-IL MAY BE VISITING CHINA: SOURCES"

This is an actual headline from a South Korean news agency.

Who said North Korea's leadership was paranoid and secretive?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

TALKING TURKEY
A British man has been jailed for three months after pretending he lost a daughter in the Asian tsunami of 2004.
Philip Bosson (above) aged 39, from Devon, even flew out to Sri Lanka and identified a girl's body as his 19 year old only child Kayleigh.
But it turned out that 'Kayleigh' had never even existed. The name had been taken from his favourite hit song by the 1980s rock band Marillion.
Police spent many hours and thousands of pounds checking for a DNA match between Bosson and the bodies of hundreds of western victims.
But they became suspicious when Bosson started to become unhelpful and abusive and changed his story about the spelling of Kayleigh's name.
Whether prison is really the right place for someone with such serious psychiatric issues is highly doubtful.
But then the UK locks up more of its citizens per head of population than any other European country except Turkey (if you accept Turkey is a European country, and many in the European Union don't).
Now we know why Tony Blair is so desperate for Turkey to join the EU - just to make Britain look good by comparison.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

INTERESTING FACTS

There are 700 people in Hong Kong aged 100 or older.

I never knew that greasy fish ball soup and congee (a kind of Chinese porridge) could have such health giving properties.
The number would have been higher, but some of them get trampled to death or expire from heat exhaustion every time temples give out free rice to pensioners during summer festivals.

MP GALLOWAY ENTERS
BIG BROTHER HOUSE

Monday, January 09, 2006

'NO SPECIAL FAVOURS'
FOR ARMY CADET WILLS

Saturday, January 07, 2006

PANDA DIPLOMACY
CREATES PERFECT COUPLE

LIB DEMOCRAT
LEADER ADMITS
UK'S WORST-KEPT
SECRET

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A RIGHT BUNCH OF BANKERS

Banco Delta Asia's battle for world credibility has been dealt another blow after the American government accused one of the Macau bank's former North Korean customers of forging high value US dollar bills.

US officials say they suspect Jogwang Trading, which has now reportedly moved from the former Portuguese colony a few miles across the border to Zhuhai in mainland China, of being involved in counterfeiting US currency.

The stakes to further blacken Delta Asia's name were raised recently when North Korea tried to make the lifting of sanctions against the bank a condition of it joining US-backed talks about its nuclear programme.

North Korea's demand fuelled American suspicions that the bank really was helping to prop up the communist regime in Pyongyang and that the leadership was suffering financial hardship because the Delta Asia 'tap' had been turned off.

Delta Asia has always denied any wrong doing ever since it was accused by the US last September of being a "primary money-laundering concern" for North Korean companies operating from Macau.

The bank said it terminated all North Korean accounts and cut off clients doing business with the country, while insisting the trade accounted for less than three per cent of its operations.

On the counterfeiting claim, it said only one case of a forged dollar bill had been detected at the bank in 10 years. The Americans say whether banks know about financial misdeeds can depend on how hard they look.

Recently the US Treasury's Financial Crimes Division warned banks around the world to take "reasonable steps" to prevent abuse of their financial services by North Korea.And in what is being seen as a victory for the hawks in the US administration, senior officials have issued a stream of statements apparently intended to hound out North Korean interests wherever they are found in the world.

Even the US's close ally South Korea, has been criticised for giving humanitarian aid to its once-deadly enemy. The US argues this well-meaning help is simply propping up a dangerous and unpredictable regime.

In that sense, whatever Banco Delta Asia says or does from now on, it is unlikely to get a sympathetic hearing in Washington, said a senior Hong Kong financier.

He explained: "I think the Americans are trying to create a climate where financial institutions will think very carefully about who they deal with. It will no longer be good enough for banks to say 'we didn't know' or 'nobody told us'. In future they will have to be more pro-active in finding out who their customers are and where their money comes from."

This still begs the question of what hard evidence the US has against Delta Asia. So far it has been unwilling to share such information, giving credibility to sceptics' claims that a 'kangaroo court' is in session on Capitol Hill. The sceptics say the Americans' tough verdict against Banco Delta Asia is now being justified retrospectively through a drip feed of innuendo and speculation that would be considered scandalous and defamatory were it directed against a bigger bank in a more powerful jurisdiction.

The reality is that in the murky world of spying and surveillance, governments rarely like to reveal where they got damning information from, arguing it may compromise their sources.

Unfortunately the recent intelligence debacle about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq has made voters in democratic countries question how scientific such information gathering is, and leads them to wonder whether it might simply be the prejudices of a few powerful people locked away in government offices, that are scribbled down on the backs of envelopes and dressed up as fact and policy.

In the last few weeks alone, officials from the US Treasury, US State Department, the US Ambassador to South Korea, a House Committee and the US Under Secretary for Arms Control have come out with a stream of extremely hostile statements against North Korea, sometimes mentioning Banco Delta Asia by name but more usually referring in general to money laundering and racketeering.

But the real damage was done last September, with the money laundering claim and the warning to American banks not to deal with Delta Asia.

Although the US didn't impose formal sanctions, the banks took the hint, effectively cutting off the Macau-based institution from the world financial system, and causing a run on the bank that saw one billion patacas (US$ 125.2 million) around one third of Delta Asia's capital, withdrawn by customers in the space of 48 hours.

At the time, Delta Asia said it had cut off all ties with Jogwang, but in another of its drip-fed statements recently, the US said the North Korean firm left its offices in Macau and relocated in Zhuhai even before their announcement.

That someone, somewhere, is helping North Korea to circulate millions of fake dollars is, claims Washington, a fact. The month after the US swooped on Delta Asia, it indicted Sean Garland, senior member of an Irish Republican Army splinter group, of conspiring to do just that.

Whatever the truth of Delta Asia's position, it has become a pawn in a much bigger game, namely the US determination to fight the 'War on Terror' and nuclear proliferation via balance sheets and account ledgers.

The US is furious with North Korea's refusal to give up its nuclear programme, accusing it of making missiles, not electricity.

It says Pyongyang funds arms and terrorism through a range of rackets including drug smuggling and the counterfeiting of its currency and its cigarette brands.

Macau was inevitably going to come under Washington's gaze in this strategic game of cat and mouse, given its known trading links with North Korea (including one of the few scheduled air links with Pyongyang).

And yet Washington has been conspicuously silent about China's role in the saga, even though it claims Jogwang Trading is now operating from the Mainland.

China is one of the few countries to maintain formal diplomatic ties with North Korea. President Hu Jintao made an official visit to Pyongyang as recently as October and may relish the opportunity to grab favourable headlines around the world by helping the US to broker a nuclear containment deal that would benefit Beijing and Washington.

If the price for that deal is that America be allowed to bully Macau and Banco Delta Asia publicly, then it's probably considered by the Chinese to be a price worth paying.



 

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