POWERFUL

EVIDENCE

Three out of four Chinese homes have dangerous electrics, according to a survey.

The study of nearly 2,500 households in 20 cities found only 576 premises completely free of hazards, reports China Youth Daily.

Serious problems included faulty appliances, poor wiring and inadequate earthing, says the China Consumers' Association.

DALEKS
STAR IN
PORN FILM
SHOCK

THATCH
OF THE DAY

No 4 Tommy Smith, Liverpool FC 1962-78

Tommy Smith.

What can we say about Tommy that hasn't already been said?

With his pock marked face, fleshy hooter and Super Mario moustache, he could easily have played a villain on Thames TV's hugely successful (and contemporary) cops 'n' robbers series The Sweeney.

Tommy was so tough he's now virtually crippled after playing on with injuries that might have finished other men's careers.

As he once cheerfully admitted in a TV interview: "Oh aye, the doc would give us pain killing injections just before we went out on the pitch. They killed the pain like, but they also stopped us feeling how much damage we were doing to ourselves."

Tommy belonged to that not-so-small band of 1970s hard men for whom the phrase 'defending the goal area' was synonymous with 'common assault'.

Seeing your favourite player being tackled by Tommy Smith was like seeing your favourite pet run over by a steam roller - deeply upsetting but grimly fascinating.

In short, when Tommy tackled them, they stayed tackled.

It's often said that the modern game is much faster than 30 years ago. Time plays tricks, and perhaps Tommy and his contemporaries Norman Hunter and Ron 'Chopper' Harris were a lot slower than they seemed. But they were hard men at the time and when you watch the footage again they're STILL hard men.

Nowadays red cards (where a player is dismissed from the field for the remainder of the match) are handed out like sweets at a kids' party. In those days you virtually had to murder someone before you even got a cautioning yellow (actually the offender's name was just scribbled down in the ref's notebook, hence the term 'a booking').

I remember a few years later at the 1982 World Cup Finals in Spain, watching a baby faced, skinny young Maradona almost kicked to pieces by an Italian defender who rejoiced under the name of - wait for it - Gentile (pronounced Gen-tee-lay). Maradona had virtually no protection from the referee at all, and at that time two-footed tackles from behind were perfectly legal.

It was left more or less to the referee's discretion to decide if a challenge was dangerous. In the 1970s most British referees would have been aged around 40 to 50 and therefore had either been in the army in World War Two or been a child during The Blitz. In either case, their definition of what constituted danger would be very different to that of an average citizen today.

Two decades earlier in 1958 there was a famous incident in an FA Cup Final where Manchester United's goalkeeper caught the ball on his line, and was then shoulder charged into the net, still grasping the ball, by Bolton's Nat Lofthouse. The referee gave the goal without even batting an eyelid. To an American Football or Aussie Rules player this would have been all in a day's work. To an English goalkeeper it came as a bit of a surprise.

Now we've gone to the other extreme of over-protection of players and unseemly displays of handbags at dawn, bitch slapping and feigned injury to get opponents sent off. A common technique is to respond to an adversary's petulant push as if you had been hit by a right hook from Lennox Lewis.

In Britain we used to claim that this was a 'continental' (ie foreign) habit. Today the English Premier League is full of foreign players, but the British players cheat just as cheerfully and skilfully.

There was no point trying to con a referee in the 1970s because they wouldn't call the trainer on unless they could see blood or a bone sticking through your sock. Now whole seasons turn on how skillful a player is at making his penalty area dive look like he'd been fouled.

Progress? I don't think so Tommy.

A GECKO'S TALE

A gecko very similar to the one in the story - but with a tail

More evidence of the suicidal tendencies of geckos..............................

Tonight one decided it would be a good idea to get into the house via the bathroom window fan vent.

This would have been fine, but the fan was turned on at the time.

Somehow the gecko managed to get through, looking rather startled. (Funnily enough they always seem to have that expression, as if they can't quite believe that with the natural-born talents of Spiderman for walking upside down etc they are forced to eat flies for a living.)

Well this gecko was startled - and minus one tail. Whether it lost the tail in the fan, or whether it had already been nibbled off by a rat, cat, snake etc, I can't be sure. All I do know is if someone suggested the best way of getting into a Boeing 747 was by crawling inside one of the engines while the rotors were still turning, I'd tell them to take a hike.

I've no idea how important a tail is to the average gecko, but I would think quite, or The Almighty (already quite busy dealing with the Universe etc) would have made 'em without one.

Confirming my suspicions that geckos in general and this one in particular are quite keen to meet their maker asap, the creature then proceeded to hide behind the shower heater, which is gas-powered and makes a 'crump' sound like distant artillery fire every time the water is turned on.

Not I think the best place for a small lizard to be.

READERS' POLL

Will Saddam Hussein get a fair trial?

a) Don't Know

b) Don't Care

c) Who's Saddam Hussein?

MCARTNEY BOYCOTTS
CHINA OVER
CAT FUR TRADE

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

From a new book 'Signs of Life' by UK writers Dave Askwith and Alex Normanton.

ROYAL MARINES
'SOMETIMES
VIOLENT' SHOCK

BRUCE LEE
PICKS UP
BUS PASS

YOB BRITAIN

A man is hit around the face with a glass in a Newcastle restaurant on Friday night while his wife is injured by the flying splinters; drunken hooligans out on Saturday afternoon in Manchester start shouting when asked to be quiet.

Sadly these are everyday, unremarkable occurrences in modern Britain.

Except the man glassed in the face was the chairman of Sunderland FC, a top flight English football club, and the drunken hooligans were shouting during a minute's silence in memory of recently deceased football star George Best, before Liverpool's match at Manchester City.

Even the City fans - bitter rivals of Best's old team Manchester United, were reportedly so appalled by the behaviour of this small minority of Liverpool 'fans', that they jeered them after the memorial gesture was over.

I wonder how those idiots would feel if someone started shouting during their granny's memorial service?

And the dimwit who attacked the club chairman - in all likelihood because he was unhappy with the team's poor start to the season - is probably the sort of person who can't distinguish between a soap actor's real personality and the part they play on television.

There are few things more tedious than expatriates pontificating on how their home country has gone to the dogs in recent years etc, but sometimes distance lends clarity, so here goes.....................

What sort of society have we created where people (and we are talking mainly, though not exclusively, about men) seem unable to control their childish and self-centred impulses?

Why is it that increasing numbers of people in Britain seem unable to think themselves into someone else's shoes, to imagine how things look from their viewpoint? In an autistic person, this is a recognised condition that can prevent them developing all the social skills needed to be a fully-functioning member of society. In a supposedly 'normal' adult, such behaviour is simply unforgivable.

If my team regularly loses, of course I'm going to be unhappy about it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to lash out at people around me. It means I shout louder for them next time, it might even mean I start going to church more, but it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to attack the 'daddy' figure - the club chairman - like a spoilt and petulant child.

And for those petulant, childish fans unable, either through intoxication or general stupidity, to stay quiet for a minute of their lives - I'm sure you'd be perversely thrilled to know I could even be bothered to write about you.

There is an argument that as with other attention-seeking behaviour exhibited by children and adolescents, the best approach is simply not to respond to it or acknowledge it.

And just in case Liverpudlians think I'm picking on them - this behaviour was also reportedly exhibited by a small number of Leeds United 'fans' during their Championship game against Millwall. It's not just about those individuals - lack of respect for others appears to be a national malaise.

Decent citizens are increasingly wary of challenging anti-social behaviour for fear of being attacked themselves. Recently in London a man was stabbed to death for daring to complain when a yob threw litter out of the upstairs window of a bus.

Even if people do challenge this bad behaviour, they worry that the powers of the state will not back them up.

A recent UK government ad campaign gave the public tips on how to avoid having their mobile 'phone stolen, with such gems as 'don't use it in a public place'.

As well as appearing to defeat the object of owning a mobile, what was breath taking was the weary acceptance by the authorities that this crime was going to happen anyway, so just don't give the bad guys an easy ride.

Why aren't we shouting from the rooftops that we want our public space back - that we're not going to surrender it to yobs, thieves and hooligans?

As the 18th century philosopher Edmund Burke put it: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing".

GEOGRAPHY

TEACHER
ESCAPES JAIL

FOR SNOGGING

PUPIL

EXCITING NEW
EXPORT MARKET
FOR HK

Hong Kong has discovered an exciting new commodity to export - old folk.

With Chinese people already noted for their longevity and the general world trend moving toward a longer lifespan, increasing numbers of the old are struggling to make ends meet in Hong Kong's crowded and expensive housing market.

One new solution is to send them to retirement homes across the border in mainland China, where living costs are cheaper. Hong Kong entrepreneurs, never slow to spot an opportunity, are now rushing to invest in this exciting new market, putting money into old folks' homes in neighbouring Guangdong province, where many of the care staff speak Cantonese - the Chinese language used by most HK pensioners.

Mainland officials say 2,000 of the 16,000 people living in such homes in the province are from Hong Kong.

Such is the interest among Hong Kong families that operators of more than 30 retirement homes are to stage an exhibition of their facilities at a conference centre in Kowloon Bay early next month.

The territory doesn't have the best PR image when it comes to care of its elders. Although there is an old age pension system, pictures of destitute old men living in cage rooms just big enough to turn from side to side have shocked outsiders in the past.

Normally those unfortunates are the exception, having no living relatives able or willing to look after them.

Respect for the elderly is an extremely important aspect of Chinese culture, and families normally step in to plug the care gap only filled in western societies by state welfare.

But western social trends such as divorce are now affecting China, making it more difficult for parents to live at home - especially if their children re-marry and acquire a new set of in-laws.

GOODBYE GEORGE

George Best, football genius 1946-2005

For an appreciation of his life, see October's archive 'All the Best George'.

ROCK 'N' ROLL

EXCUSES
PART ONE

O'QAEDA SUSPECT
JAILED IN ULSTER

JORDAN

TO TACKLE
EXTREMISTS

HEAD ON

JACKO ACCUSED OF
ANTI-JEWISH RANT

UK GAS
SHORTAGE
FEARS

LATINO

SENIOR CITIZEN
CHARGED WITH

ANYTHING THEY

THINK WILL STICK

BUSH PLANNED
TO BOMB ALLY'S

TV STATION

POLICE START RANDOM
BREATH TESTS AS UK
HAILS 24-HR DRINKING

DRUG SMUGGLER
'TOO VIETNAMESE'
TO SAVE

An Australian citizen due to be hanged in nine days for smuggling nearly half a kilo of heroin through Singapore, is too Vietnamese to save, a Canberra official said today.

Nguyen Tuong Van, aged 25 (above), was caught with just under 400 grammes of the drug at Changi Airport while in transit from Cambodia to Australia in December 2002.

He claimed he did it to pay off a debt for his brother.

Under Singapore's tough anti-drugs laws he faces the death penalty, but Australian Prime Minister John Howard says it could be counter productive for his government to intervene.

A spokesman said: "Nguyen Tuong Van is simply not white enough to be worth saving. Frankly we do too much business with Singapore to want to rock the boat. Plus he was carrying heroin, not a couple of ecstasy tablets like that pretty little model Michelle Leslie in Indonesia.

"There just aren't any votes in it. Michelle's case was completely different. I mean no one ever died from taking ecstasy did they? That's a victimless crime."

Michelle Leslie - a pretty, white, female, Australian drug smuggler

ONLINE FRAUD TO SOAR
THIS CHRISTMAS

UK GOVT FACES

FAILURE

PANDEMIC

The British government is facing a major shortage of excuses this winter after failing to stockpile enough to inoculate itself against charges of chronic incompetence.

A total of 14.5 million excuses issued to doctors by the Department of Health have already been used up on old people and those waiting years for minor operations.

Ministers tried to get off the hook by claiming medical staff had given out too many excuses at once, but doctors angrily rejected the claim.

A further 400,000 fibs stockpiled for emergencies have also been consumed by a worried public.

A DoH spokesman said an additional 200,000 white lies had been ordered, but may not arrive until after a White Christmas, when a whole new set of excuses will be needed because lots of old people died from hypothermia in the fifth richest country in the whole world.

HIDE 'N' SEEK

A mind-boggling 50,000 Chinese citizens - as many people as are in this music festival crowd - 'disappeared' in Malaysia this year, reports the South China Morning Post.

Those missing entered the south east Asian country as tourists, but officials have no record of them leaving.

Now police and immigration authorities have been told to find them.

This could be tricky, as 35 per cent of Malaysia's 27 million people are ethnic Chinese descended from labourers and merchants who first arrived in the 19th century.

Tensions between the indigenous Malays and the Chinese still simmer more than three decades after communal riots in 1969 left nearly two hundred dead.

Since then it's been government policy to favour Malays for university places, government jobs, cheap housing and subsidised loans because of fears that ethnic Chinese entrepreneurs were taking over the economy.

Four years earlier, ethnic violence in Singapore led to that community breaking away from the rest of Malaysia to form a mainly ethnic Chinese city state.

As recently as 1998 a series of anti-Chinese riots in neighbouring Indonesia after the toppling of its dictator Suharto, highlighted the resentment that still lingers against them.

SHARON MOVE GIVES

NEW HOPE FOR
MIDDLE EAST PEACE

WAS STABLE DOOR LEFT
HALF CLOSED OR HALF OPEN?
- U.S. DEMOCRATS DEBATE

A woman on a flight from Hong Kong to Australia tried to open an aircraft door in mid-air so she could smoke a cigarette.

The French tourist was seen walking towards the door during the Cathay Pacific flight to Brisbane with an unlit cigarette and a lighter.

She then began tampering with the emergency exit until stopped by a flight attendant.

Sandrine Sellies, aged 34, who has a fear of flying, had drunk alcohol and taken sleeping tablets before take off, Brisbane Magistrates' Court heard.

Defence lawyer Helen Shilton said her client had no memory of what had happened on the flight on Saturday, and that she had a history of sleepwalking.

Sellies pleaded guilty to endangering the safety of an aircraft and was given a 12-month A$1,000 (HK$5,800) good behaviour bond - she will forfeit the money if she commits another offence.

She was at the start of a three-week Australian holiday with her husband, reports the Melbourne Herald Sun.

THATCH

OF THE DAY

No 3 Alberto Juantorena, double gold medallist, Montreal Olympics 1976

Alberto Juantorena had it all - mutton chop sideburns, a kinky afro and an ever-so-slightly receding hairline giving the Afro that blow dry look.

He was also quite good at running, winning gold medals in the 1976 Montreal Olympics at 400 metres and 800 metres.

Alberto went on to serve as a vice minister for sport in his native Cuba.

In his heyday he was nicknamed 'El Caballo' (The Horse) because he could cover three metres of ground in one stride.

He was also the subject of one of British sport commentator David Coleman's most famous gaffes, when during the closing stages of a race, as the Cuban stepped up the pace, Coleman shouted excitedly: "Now Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class".

PRESIDENT KNOWS
HIS 'IN' DOOR FROM
HIS 'OUT' DOOR
REASSURE AIDES

ARNIE AND JACKIE
TAKE FIRST STRIKE
TO TERMINATE PIRACY

BOMBER BOMBS
BOMBER'S VIGIL

A suicide bomber has blown himself up at a suicide bomber's funeral in a dispute over the number of virgins promised to him in paradise.

Relatives of the latest bomber said he had been upset after hearing a local radical cleric had promised the first bomber five more maidens than he was getting for an identical mission.

There are fears the new atrocity could spark a war among the suicide bomber community that could threaten peace in Iraq. (What peace would that be? - Editor)

HK HANDOVER DIARIES
REVEAL CHARLES'

HORROR OF 'WAXWORK'
CHINESE LEADERSHIP

LIVERPOOL'S

HALLOWED
PITCH KOPS

ROYAL VISIT

VIVA MEXICO!

Mexicans drink more Coke per head than any other country, according to market research.

Are we sure we're using the right verb in that sentence?

THAT'S TORN IT

Why is it that nowadays international hotel chains think it's absolutely vital to install a telephone next to the loo?

Do they think communications are so crucial to modern living that stressed guests can't bear to be without them while moving their bowels?

Or is it an insurance company hot line for medical emergencies?

Are lots of guests 'doing an Elvis' and carking it while on the throne? Are pregnant women statistically more prone to giving birth while spending a penny?

CASTRO
'FEELING BETTER
THAN EVER'

THAT'S LUCKY!

Joy unconfined.

I have won De Lotto (again) according to my e-mail.

That takes this week's winnings on the Dutch lottery alone to well over Euros 8 million.

At this rate I'll be able to buy every bogus lawyer in west Africa a new house with swimming pool.

ORGANISED GANG
INFILTRATES
UK BANKING SYSTEM

SPOKE
TOO SOON

Inter Milan's Uruguayan midfielder Alvaro Recoba may be feeling a bit sorry for himself this morning.

Just before the second leg of his country's World Cup play off match against Australia he made the following modest claim:

"Uruguay has a divine right to play (in the World Cup). Uruguay is Uruguay."

This was probably a reference to the fact the tiny South American country won the competition twice - once in 1930 and again in 1950.

Sadly the Divinity didn't seem willing to provide on this occasion.

Although Uruguay won the first leg 1-0, the Aussies beat them by the same score in Sydney, drawing the tie on aggregate, before the Socceroos won the resulting penalty shoot out, sending them to the World Cup Finals for the first time in 32 years.

THATCH

OF THE DAY

No 2 Charlie George, Arsenal FC 1969-1975

Charlie was one of English football's true characters, even in the days when every second player was a character.

Probably his most famous moment was scoring the winner during extra time in the 1971 FA Cup Final against Liverpool, ensuring Arsenal did 'The Double' of Cup and Championship in the same season.

He was so knackered, he didn't even bother running around in celebration. He just fell flat on his back with his arms outstretched in a Christ-like pose, while his team mates jumped on top of him.

Afterwards he claimed he did it "To give the fans something to remember" but I'm pretty sure it was to prevent himself falling unconscious in front of a live audience of 200 million.

Charlie, like most 1970s players, was fond of beer, women and the gee-gees (horses) in no particular order.

Unfortunately the gee-gees didn't always return the affection.

There's a story that while he was playing for Southampton, several gentlemen with short necks and large baseball bats came looking for him over a payment on a betting tab he was running.

Quite why they went to these lengths to find him is beyond me. All they had to do was wait until Saturday and pay through the turnstiles at The Dell like everybody else.

This tale was told to me by an uncle who's an ardent Saints fan, so if it's wrong Charlie, your lawyers can write to me care of the nice people at blogger.com

Yes I know mate, I should have paid the seventeen quid and read your book, which I understand contains a delightful anecdote about you running naked down a road while chasing a dog.
Oh and PS, was it fun telling England's national manager Don Revie to go forth and multiply? Strange you only ever got one cap for your country.
Mr George had further torrid times at Southampton, managing to slice the top off one of his toes while using a lawnmower at home. Possession of anything less than 10 complete toes is normally considered a disadvantage for a footballer, and in 1981 he took a break from the English game.
After departing The Dell, Charlie actually spent some time in Hong Kong supposedly playing for a team called Buloya, though I can't find any reference to the club on the Web. Another source calls the team Bulova, but I thought that was a brand of Swiss watch.
In Hong Kong, Charlie's patronymicum (a surname originating from an ancestor's given name) must have caused some confusion. Out here, family names normally come first in titles, so if you write 'Mike Grimes' on a hotel register, they will think your family name is Mike and you will be forever known as 'Mr Mike'.
Many Chinese people - rarely slow on the uptake - have now twigged Westerners' funny ways, and realise we normally put the family names second, so will address you as 'Mr Grimes' etc.
'Charles George' must have been a bit of a poser for them. They would wonder, is it 'Mr George Charles' or 'Mr Charles George'? Or perhaps they just referred to him as 'The gweilo with the dodgy barnet'.

BLOG BORE PASSES
THOUSAND MARK

Today this blog had its thousandth hit. That's more than Kate Moss does in a week.

My total might have been more, but I only bothered installing a counter last month.

It's nice to know that with all the millions of other crappy sites out there, you took time to look at mine.

Have a nice day.

SAINT BOB

GETS IN TOUCH

WITH POLITE SIDE

Sir Bob Geldof has told a London conference that e-mails get in the way of action in business.

As well as taking up too much time, a badly-phrased e-mail could damage you commercially - something he admitted learning from personal experience.

He said: "The tone can be wrong. An ill-considered e-mail can destroy a deal."

Would this be the same Bob Geldof who told me to "F*** off t****r" when I tried to interview him a few years ago at David Frost's annual garden party in London?

JOHN LENNON'S KILLER
BARKING MAD - SHOCK

UK VAN DRIVERS
TUTOR HONG KONG
MINIBUS CREWS

What a lucky fellow I am.

So far this week I have won £202,000 on the 'UK International Lotto' and Euros 5.2 million on De Lotto in the Netherlands according to my e-mail 'in box'.

The notification e-mail from 'UK International Lotto' was quite cute, because they had stolen elements of the UK lottery operator Camelot's corporate logo and used British-sounding names for the contact officials for once, instead of 'Mr Abu Musa' with a dodgy bank account in Lagos etc.

Unfortunately they'd forgotten that in the UK we spell things differently from North American English. For example, they wrote 'endeavor' whereas we would say 'endeavour' and they wrote 'potato' whereas we would say 'spud' etc.

I'm thinking of running a 'Scam e-mail of the Week' spot featuring the more ridiculous examples.
I have had so much correspondence from people claiming to be lawyers acting for Brits who died in car crashes/plane crashes/boat accidents in exotic locations (usually in west Africa) that I'm not surprised the coastline there used to be known as 'The White Man's Grave'.

The common thread with these solicitous solicitors is that all I have to do is pass them details of my bank account and they will kindly agree to deposit the entire balance of the dead person's estate with me.

Naturally, being a polite and friendly fellow, I always comply. With so much money coming in, I was a little surprised when checking my balance recently, to find I was in fact £4.2 million overdrawn.

How could this have happened?

VAINGLORY

CORNER

Mark Fish gets robbed (again)

Former FA Premiership defender Mark Fish was tied up and robbed after his home appeared on the UK TV show Footballers' Cribs, he has revealed.

The 31-year-old has become the second victim of raiders following an appearance on the MTV show, hosted by the England manager's girlfriend Nancy Dell'Olio.

The ex-Charlton Athletic player and ex-South Africa international was bound by four men who burst into his £1.5m mansion and stole jewellery worth £200,000, he told The Sun newspaper.

This will come as no great surprise to Charlton supporters who will remember he was regularly robbed of the ball by opponents last season.

At one stage in the campaign he became so fat and slow that the defence coach took to timing his training runs with a sun dial.

FEELING A LITTLE KOI

JESUS'

PERSONAL DONKEY
IN KICK AND TELL

EXCLUSIVE